moms are for everyone!

The War on Passivity, a MUST read.

2012-01-23T12:01:00.005-06:00

My beautiful friend, Suzanna, has written another series on her blog that I absolutely must share here. My heart is longing to see the men of this generation RISE UP and take their places!!!

Suzanna's most recent series, "The War on Passivity", is crucial, I feel, for our generation to read and understand. As a mother of three little boys, I am drinking in her words and praying for God to empower me to raise these little men out of the cold grip of passivity.

Please read parts 1, 2, and 3 here:

The McDowell's Blog

Opposites React.

2012-01-22T20:00:00.010-06:00

My kids are so completely opposite of each other it makes me wonder if they even have the same mom. Maybe I just dreamt about giving birth three times? Maybe I only really gave birth once and the other two just followed me home one day? Stranger things have happened, I'm sure.

As I type, Ezra is in his bed having a bit of a conniption fit because his left nostril is ever-so-slightly stuffed up. He is sniffling and blowing his nose so loudly every four seconds or so that I can hear him from the other side of the house and I keep finding myself yelling things like "BREATHE THROUGH YOUR MOUTH! No.. your mouth! Your MOUTH! THE HOLE THAT IS NOT YOUR NOSE!!"

He won't stop, of course. And I can't reason with him. He is un-reason-with-able. This is the kid who just mastered the art of blowing his nose for the first time earlier today (seriously) and who has no grid for dealing with pain. None whatsoever. At the slightest twinge of discomfort he drops like a weight and just starts... freaking out. And shaking. Nothing can get through to him when he is in this state. He is always fine... a tiny scrape or an itty-bitty cut, but it's almost like his brain doesn't get the memo that he is not, in fact, mere inches from the pearly gates.

And then there is Myer. If this kid's hair was on fire, he could not be bothered to tell you. Trying to find out what is bugging this kid is an almost impossible feat. The more I question and press and ask, the more he retreats. This is exasperating on a completely different level. I have one child who informs me every time a hair on his head moves a little to the left, and I have another who won't tell me if all the hairs on his head are engulfed in flame. What IS a mother to do?

Maybe Truman will fall somewhere in the middle of these extreme boys of mine, bringing a perfect balance and equilibrium to our family dynamic.

More likely, however, he will end up on some whole different and new plane of extremes... regularly hanging from the light fixtures and gnawing on chicken bones or something.

Ah, motherhood. The land of perpetual "wait... WHAAAAAT?!"

The Brave Fear.

2012-01-09T08:11:00.005-06:00

Sometimes I feel so brave.

I hold nothing too tightly and am ready to leap at any moment. Change makes me giddy and I really, honestly mean it when I tell God that I will go anywhere and do anything as long as He is with me.

Moving to Oklahoma six and a half years ago was a leap. We didn't know the "how what when where why's" of anything at all. We just knew it was time to get out of California and there was an open invitation here. That was all that we needed! I remember praying that same prayer all those years ago.... "Lord I will move ANYWHERE and do ANYTHING as long as I get to be doing what You are doing." I had been known to say "I would live in a BOX in the middle of NOWHERE if that was where God wanted to use me." And I really really did mean it.

He heard me, took me literally (ha!), and moved me to a state that meant nothing to me back then but hokey cowboys and (really flat) red dirt. And also.... tornadoes. Okay, God! Here we goooo!

And it has proved to be the most amazingly rich and rewarding and wonderful season of my life here. I've healed from spiritual wounding, I've fallen in love with the Church, with community, with this city, and I've come to realize that everything is grace. I've grown to LOVE staying at home and raising my boys and I've learned that what I am doing here within these walls has infinite worth and value and is more than enough. I could never thank God enough for bringing me here during this season of life.

Once again, I find myself in a state of exciting unknowns. I find myself in the poise of leaping. What will that look like? No idea yet. Maybe it's a newness here, maybe it's a newness there... but I find myself standing with my arms thrown open, saying it again in my heart... "I will go ANYWHERE and do ANYTHING as long as You are with me! I'd rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked!" And I start to feel so noble in that prayer, so brave! Like I could fling myself off a mountain and know I would be caught up in the wind!

And yet...

...and yet all of these feelings of faith and assurance come to a screeching halt when I hear a still, small voice ask me, "Yes, but how much more of yourself are you willing to give?"

It's like, God, you can have my house and my security and my comfort and my STUFF and even my children and my marriage because You are GOOD and I trust you! But when I feel Him asking to come closer to my heart, to tear down a wall or two and expand things a bit in there, to grow our intimacy and die to self completely... I run cold. Fear grips. Backtracking ensues. I try patching up the floodgates I've thrown open in faith moments before.

Oh Lord, the things you'd find in there... I think we're both better off where we are at, don't You? This safe and chummy distance we have going on...?

All the while, though, I know the truth. The thing is... I can move to the most desperate place on the globe and serve the most desperate people on the earth in the name of God, but if I don't let that very same God consume me and sweep me away and be my everything, then... I am missing it! Location alone, adventure alone cannot be my substitute for deeper intimacy with God... for letting Him call down my walls like Jericho so He can storm in. Nothing that I do, no matter how noble it looks from the outside, will have any lasting strength, any eternal value, if I am not doing it from a completely surrendered & conquered heart.

So here I am now, toeing the edge of something big, ready to leap, yet at the same time... really aware for the first time of what is being asked of me.

Suddenly, I am not so brave. Suddenly, I am terrified.

Sure, I am willing to surrender my adorable house, my cozy daily routine, my 5 year "plan".... but am I willing to surrender my own HEART?

Even now, I can't help but feel that I am better off here in my terrified state than I was before in all my confidence. I can leap in faith until I am blue in the face, and God will be faithful to catch me and be gracious towards me, but what He is really calling me to, what He has always been calling me to, is more of Himself. Always, always, always... Himself.

Will I be found willing? Lord, in Your grace, let it be true! Conquer this fear, and help me! Sound the trumpet and break it all down. Cause me to want YOU more than the next "thing", the next adventure. Help me to desire Your nearness more than any other thrill that this earth can give...

Passion.

2012-01-02T20:15:00.009-06:00

As I type, my husband is far away in Atlanta, Georgia- trying to wrap his mind around the fact that he gets to play his viola with the Charlie Hall band at Passion 2012 in front of 45,000 people at the Georgia Dome tomorrow.

Also as I type, far from the roar and lights, I have just tucked away our children in their beds for the evening- wiping goopy noses and administering breathing treatments and medicines out the wazoo for a certain sick little boy of mine who struggles with asthma and allergies and eczema. Oh, and as a bonus for this week- eye infections!

(He really is doing much better tonight than he was last night... poor sweet little Myer!)

I can't even explain the state of my heart tonight. It feels like it's about to burst through the walls of this quiet little home. I feel so blessed to be here caring for all these boys, and it feels good and right and pure. There really is nowhere else I'd rather be! Yet at the same time, I also feel tremendous excitement and joy and desire to be in Atlanta with my husband... getting to see his wildest dreams come true and experience the fruition of a lifetime of prayers on my part and his- his passion for playing music that glorifies God and encourages His bride, the church!

It feels like a very symbolic thing that is happening in our lives (for such a time as this!) and for a very specific reason. Where we stand right now, there are a lot of unknowns. We don't know where we'll be or what we'll be doing or what our lives will look like a year from now- as 2013 dawns bright and the confetti falls once again on soil all around this tired globe.

But we do know one thing.

It will be a new, grand adventure, and God will NEVER fail us.

He is faithful. He is faithful to let us see and taste a bit of our dreams in a season that has felt so thirsty for hope and substance... for answers you can grab onto and sink your teeth into. He is faithful to hear the cries of a simple housewife who longs to see her husband's oldest and deepest dreams come true. He is faithful to grow a boy straight into the heart of music and then give him an instrument he can cup underneath his chin and make sing. He is faithful to finish what He begins, and He is faithful to encourage all along the long and difficult way.

My husband is a painting contractor. Day in and day out he labors with his hands and brings his best and most honest work to the table for clients who may or may not appreciate all that he pours into them and their homes. His hands are rough and calloused and sometimes they bleed and he doesn't even realize the red is running down. But for as tough as his hands are, his heart... his heart is soft! His heart is tender! He longs for beautiful things and carries weighty giftings on humble and bowed down shoulders! And tonight... this week... this is a YES and an AMEN to that man who carries this family so gracefully through the muck and mire of this world! And my heart is just bursting with honor and pride in him, and gratitude and thanksgiving to the God he loves and serves so well.

I am overwhelmed. I am undone. I am here saying YES and AMEN as well. 2012 is going to be an amazing year.

"...I am God, and there is no other. I am God, and there is none like me, declaring end from beginning and from ancient times things not done, saying, 'My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish my purpose!' I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass. I have purposed, and I will do it."

-Isaiah 46:9-10,11

The Only Thing That Will Remain.

2011-12-08T15:41:00.008-06:00

The other day I was transferring all of the pictures from my phone to my computer, and, let's just say it had been awhile, and there were almost 2000 images dangling on the edge of existence by nothing but the thread of an iPhone memory card- including most of truman's newborn photos and the first moments of his life- when all of a sudden it hit me.

My life was literally flashing before my eyes.

The images were careening across the screen in quick succession and they were all jumbled up, in no particular order, and instantly the world around me blanked out and the images were all that I could see, only they were those moments as I remembered them in full color and sound and touch and I realized... this is it! This is what life on earth stacks up to- this quick vapor, this fading grass, this moment's breath of time that we have on this planet and then we are... gone! And these images were pounding up on the screen relentless but each one of them was a throbbing of the heart inside my chest and before I could catch my breath there were tears smudging all the photos together and splashing down hard on the desk.

I was not sad. I did not feel regret or pangs over lost time.

The tears were skirting the edges of an awe-struck smile.

It was so... beautiful.

There were little boys in batman costumes and goofy first grins and the 95 foot ceiling of a train station in Kansas City that could pull a song right out of your lungs just from the sight of it. There were pictures of outfits and rainbows and teakettles... Warm cookies and water towers... sunrises and sunsets. There were pictures of the man I love, laughing, and of our little chalkboard in the kitchen with Ezra's heart-rending reminder that "God is GRATE!"

Life is short and what will we leave behind? We can take nothing with us when our time here is up. No money, no trophies, no spouses or children or friends. Just ourselves, alone, and the things we've personally stored up in heaven... the love we've poured out on the needy and hurting and lost without any thought of selfish gain.

We can take nothing, but that does not mean that we will not leave something. The things we do and the choices we make on this earth will affect generations.

This is a reality that I feel like our culture doesn't seem to acknowledge these days. We make choices for our pleasure without thought of choosing the harder way of character... character that will shape our children and shape the entire world long after we're gone.

As the images flashed, I was moved. I want to leave behind a legacy of character and faith and children who stand for what's right. I want to savor the beauty in the small moments and live a life of thanksgiving and praise. I want to smile more and laugh with my head thrown back... I want my children to remember me as a happy woman who knew her God.

I am so grateful that God used this transferring of pictures to remind me of what has real value. I am thankful that I got to see my life flash before my eyes NOW, rather than when it was too late to do anything about it.

I am choosing to pour myself out rather than fill myself up. I am choosing to dance with my son by the Christmas tree rather than stress about the dishes in the sink. I am choosing to live HAPPY in my moments- leaving behind love and storing up love- because I see now that love is the only thing that will remain when all else is shaken and stripped away.

thankful.

2011-11-30T19:32:00.004-06:00

It has been a longer absence than i anticipated, yes.

The days have been so full and what they say is true... when you start really paying attention to the little moments in front of you, life explodes with rich meaning and other things lose their flavor in comparison.

The Internet has seemed a bit like a dry rice cake sitting here after I've stuffed myself with a savory Thanksgiving feast and spent more time in prayer and reading and journaling. I've had a harder time than anticipated picking it back up again, and for that I apologize.

This Thanksgiving was the most meaningful season of thanks I have ever experienced. This journey of hunting down things to be thankful for had me ripe and primed for the season and the number one thing that I was thankful for this year was for my new heart of gratitude (still in training) that is causing me to love life and enjoy laundry and find daily happiness again.

Christmas lights are appearing now, and my boys are in heaven. Everywhere we go, their little eyes are scouting for the strands of gold and green and red hung with such care on houses that we would otherwise pass by in the dark, unknown.

Truman's eyes absorb the shimmer and reflect back complete wonder and awe, and this alone could make me wish it was christmas time all year long and forever.

He makes everything new and soft and lovely.

My sweet sister-in-law, Candace, was here for Thanksgiving, and the time spent cozied up on the couch, all of us buried under piles of blankets, talking deep and real and true over hot cups of tea, is one of my new favorite memories. She has a heart of gold that rings clear when you sound it. We love her infinitely.

The air is getting cold and the skies are sharpening. I find myself desperately hoping to find blankets of white outside my windows when I wake. Snow makes me feel warm inside, and I long for its sound-absorbing hush all year long.

We decorated the tree on a Sunday night. Sunday nights have recently become our "no electricity" nights (excepting for Christmas lights, OF COURSE!) and we spend them as a family over board games or books. The boys have flashlights and we light candles and the ever-pressing noise of the outside world is silenced as we fumble around in the dark.

It has been incredible.

This family of mine is worth all of the strugglings with identity and laying down of self that I have wrestled through these past eight years and it will still be worth it all, no matter what arises, in the years to come. I look around this filled-up-to-the-brim little house most days and just shake my head in amazement. What a gift this season of life has been. What a long, and often times confusing, journey that has led me straight into such clarity and purpose!

God truly is the author of all history, in advance. He has guided each of my faltering steps directly to this place, and I can feel Him calling me on again. I will follow, no matter what or where, with even more confidence than before, because I see now that He is always & forever good, and His purposes will never be, CAN never be shaken apart.

Offline.

2011-11-15T08:04:00.003-06:00

I'm dropping off the grid for a few days to get reacquainted with things that don't plug into walls, but I will see you on the flip siiiiide!

In Love with a Moment.

2011-11-14T14:01:00.009-06:00

A few weeks ago, some of our most favorite humans rolled into town!

Cameron and Anna and their little man Asher made the journey all the way out here to spend some time with us okies, and we were SO excited to have them!

Anna helped me shop and cook for a week and taught me some super yummy new recipes. She is now my "official un-official sister-wife". bwa ha ha. It was so fun!!

Cameron & Chris forged a life-lasting friendship in college after Chris moved to San Luis Obispo to be nearer to me in the midst of our crazy dating years. Any of you who know Cameron know that he is a man of passion and dreams, and he has remained a strong influence in my husband's (and my) life even though we now live half a country away.

These people are gold through and through, and we are so LUCKY to have them in our lives. They have helped capture & seal some of the most important moments in our little family's history... and how can a person ever thank someone enough for that? For pinning down the moments you so desperately want to keep from blowing away?

There are just no words.

Here are a few of those very moments, captured here on our sweet little street, during yet another very important time in our lives. Thank you, Cameron and Anna. We love you so so much!!!

***********

Go here to see some more images, and be sure to check out all of the Ingalls' breathtaking work while you're there!

Steadied.

2011-11-03T20:34:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was one of those days that seeps down in to the bone level and aches. The nights have been rough with little Tru, and Myer is in this phase where I swear he is trying to make me want to send him away to baby boot camp until he's at least 4. These days of counting gratitude have been life-transforming, but there are still those days, you know? Where everything your eyes rest upon make you grumble instead of sing and you somehow feel that God owes you a home that stays clean and children who play quietly for hours and never whine or need you for anything. UGH, just saying that makes me feel like a total doofwad. Living as if GOD owed ME something! It's a miracle I haven't become a lightning rod by now. haha.

Even in the midst of days like yesterday, though, I feel an underlying foundation that wasn't there before. Maybe I should say the beginnings of a foundation. All these days of counting thanks have begun to build a trust in the goodness of God that definitely was not there before. As I'm learning to live aware of God's gifts of grace in each and every moment, in each and every breath, I am realizing something... I am realizing that, oh heck! God really is GOOD! Look at how the light bars from the window are waving on the shower curtain and how the fast moving clouds cause it to pulse and strobe! I am captivated and in awe and I lay another pebble down on the foundation of believing God loves me and only has good intentions towards me. How have I lived for so long blind to my moments? And all the goodness stuffed down full inside each and every single one?

I may have stumbled back into discontentment yesterday, but even in that there is a gift. A reminder of how very much I don't want to fall back into living that way. As I said, the day pulled heavy on my bones and made me feel old and thin. Who wants to walk in that day after day? Not me. Not any more. I've tasted and seen.

Today is already proving to be much better. My husband, seeing the weariness in my eyes, let me sleep in this morning... until ELEVEN O'CLOCK. He had the boys to school and the house tidied up and the baby napping by the time I pulled myself out of bed. You know how the Bible talks about loving those who grumble against you and it being like hot coals heaped upon their heads? Is my hair on fire? After such a hard and grumble-filled day yesterday, God's grace is heaped upon me afresh through the loving servitude of the husband that THAT HE GAVE ME.

Forget the pebbles... I'm laying down a whole SLAB on the foundation today.

Life has never been so steadied, and I have never felt so loved.

eight years.

2011-11-01T14:00:00.002-05:00

#330 on my list of 1000 thanks- A family that will chase the sunrise with me.

There are so many things happening below the surface over here, and our minds are running at break-neck speeds trying to chase all the pieces so we can eventually, hopefully, make sense of the puzzle.

For now, all we know is that God is speaking. Con uno megaphono. He has something big on the horizon, but for now it looms off just out of reach, a shadow outlined against the sky.

#357. bumblebee & obi wan.

I have never known God to be so near. I have never known God to be so real. I have never known God to be so... intimately intertwined in my everyday story. I wake up excited these days, hope surging through my veins and humming out through my vocal chords as I sing "You are good, you are good, when there's nothing good in me!"

I am reveling in my weaknesses for the FIRST time in my life, because in those moments, when I allow Him to, He is proving Himself strong and faithful. O, Dichotomy of God! When I am most frail, it is then that I am something He can rebuild city walls with! When my need is greatest and everything in me feels dark like ink, it is then that the grace of Him burns so bright I can hardly look!

Today Chris and I are celebrating eight years of marriage. We went out to dinner on Friday for an early anniversary date and felt the favor and happiness of God on us the whole time. The hostess led us straight to the best table in the restaurant... a booth seat overlooking the lake and the lighthouse and the most beautiful sunset I have seen in ages. Afterwards, at coffee, the barista winked and gave us our drinks for free and we sat at a table-for-two and giggled like teenagers in love. Best anniversary gifts EVER.

#350. eight years of joy.

#351. anniversary skies.

I am so honored to have this man lead me through this life. He makes adventures feel God-grounded and the mundane feel like the most important and holy of tasks. He sincerely thanks me for washing dishes, caring for boys, cooking (bad) food, and vacuuming carpets. He honors me with his words (even when I'm not around!) and he is quick to serve me, making me feel like I'm the only woman in the room, always.

What more could a girl ask for??

I could fill 1000 thanks with his love alone...

...and have a hundred more of his babies. hahhaha.

;)

Sibling Portraits, Oil on Wood.

2011-10-26T10:58:00.003-05:00

I have two amazing older brothers.

My oldest brother, Jared, is a man of intellect and integrity. He recently applied to medical school after many years of working as a civil engineer. This courage of his speaks loudly to me... makes me remember that our days on this earth are short, and why not live them bold?

My middle brother, Jaxon, is a man of generosity and passion. He does things with paint that don't seem humanly possible. His humility and kindness towards everyone, no matter their stature in this world, make me want to be a better person.

I love these two men dearly. Recently, my mom commissioned Jaxon to paint us three siblings so she could hang the portraits in her home. They are oil on wood, and stunning...

If you or anyone you know ever want a portrait done, I KNOW A GUY.

Feasting on Crow.

2011-10-07T07:28:00.005-05:00

It was there when I woke up this morning, this contemptuous weight lodged in my chest that had me angry even before my feet had time to hit the floor.

Watch out, everyone. Mama's awake.

Ezra bore the brunt of it. He was whiny and snively and I had not an ounce of patience to my name. I was snapping angry and stomping before the sun even had a chance to peek over the neighbor's rooftop.

My husband tried to infuse some peace into the battlefield, but when Ezra left for school I was still fuming- cleaning random objects and sighing until there was almost no oxygen left in the house for anyone else to breathe. My day was already looking quite bleak and dreary- Myer started to whine and my eyes searched hungry for the clock.

It was only 8:00 in the morning.

I felt the mother-guilt creep in like a blanket of fog.

A painful hour and a half later, I was standing in a room at my church with a large group of women- mothers, all. The fact that so many of us had made it, had stumbled through the doors with small children hanging off of every limb, in spite of nap times and potty breaks and accidents and twisted car seat straps and dropped pacifiers, was in and of itself a miracle.

We sang. "Tune my heart to sing thy grace." The mother-guilt tried to sing louder. Why had I been so angry at my six-year-old child this morning? Why had I woken up and felt that someone needed to pay?

A woman from my church spoke about knowing your child's specific strengths and weaknesses, and how we need to be building our children up rather than tearing them down with our words.

The mother-guilt was screaming. It was so loud in my ears, I was sure the whole room could hear it.

By the time the morning was over, there were only two options for me:

1. go home and limp through the rest of my day, hoping it would all blow over and be forgotten by 5:00 so we could eat dinner and get the kids to bed and hope for a better outcome of tomorrow... or

2. go eat crow. Meaning- stop by Ezra's school on the way home, unload the two littlest boys, make my way to the school office and then to Ezra's classroom, pull him out into the hallway, get down on my knees so I could see straight into his deep clear green eyes, and tell the boy I was sorry for being a grumpy jerk to him earlier.

I debated with myself the whole way home. Myer needed to eat, Truman needed to nap. I needed to clean bathrooms during the ONLY spare moment I would have that day- and that moment would only happen IF I could manage to get Truman and Myer to nap at the same time. My whole day was at stake! My to-do list was at stake! My dirty toilets were at stake!

It was obvious what needed to be done. I made up my mind, turned into the school, and prayed that God would give me the right words to say to my child. With every step I took toward my son's classroom, I felt chunks of burden sloughing off of me to the floor.

By the time I found the sweet boy, I was beaming.

I dropped down to his level- in front of the whole cafeteria full of kids and teachers- feeling a million eyes on my face, and I ate crow. I feasted on crow. I asked him to forgive me and apologized for my poor attitude. I told him I was proud of him and I watched gratefully as his face broke into that big goofy grin and he hugged my neck and told me he forgave me, absolutely.

As I loaded the little boys back into the car in the parking lot, I was a new woman.

Feeling forgiven has a way of doing that to a person, yes? Making them feel new, I mean.

And when we got home? No one napped. Myer hardly ate. It took me all afternoon to clean the bathrooms because I had to keep both my eyes on the boys. And we all ate hot dogs for dinner.

HOT DOGS! The horror!!!

But you know what? It was a GREAT day. Not because it was squeaky-clean and well executed... oh no no no. It was a hot mess of chaos, mostly. But my heart sang free in the midst of the tumult and I found myself truly grateful for fresh starts (always only one decision away!) and quick, toothy-grinned forgiveness.

I had no idea crow could taste so good.

And the Winner Is...

2011-10-04T12:32:00.006-05:00

I'm so sorry I am posting this today and not yesterday, but my computer decided to stop working and so I was a bit delayed in being able to post the winner for this year's FALL FASHION WEEK!!

All of you lovely ladies posted 369 outfits over the course of 7 days! Woooo wee that's a lot of cuteness!

Our winner of the $45 Modcloth giftcard was entry #121, AKA.....

the super sweet and gorgeous girl willow!

Hooray!!!

Thank you all again for playing along with me last week! xoxoxoxo

For You are Good.

2011-10-02T11:02:00.005-05:00

The older boys are out back and I've got the door flung open wide. The baby naps and I can hear their mini shovels sounding against the hard dirt in the backyard. It was a long, hot, dry Summer. The very earth seems to cry out sharp when you try to break it up, let it breathe.

The breeze synchronizes their blond hair and matching Superman capes and a dog barks distant. I breathe deep and close my eyes.

We skipped church this morning because of Ezra's cough that has turned his voice into gravel, but even in this I am thankful. This morning as the sun grew warm we all worked in the front yard together, pruning the bushes and raking up leaves and sweeping the walk. As Ezra clipped at the dense leaves, bringing shape back to the hedge, we talked about how letting go of things can be hard- painful lopping off- but it always allows room for new growth. Stronger growth. Greener growth.

As I scooped up the clippings and pressed them down into the bucket, I got lost in the wonder. Again, the kingdom stands on its head and logic can't grasp it. Chop in order to grow. Clip back in order to spring forth. I find awe in my front yard.

*******

The peace of this moment shatters. It never lasts, it never sticks. Dirt flies through the air. Myer growls angry. Shovel now flies through the air. Ezra yelps pain. I storm out heavy onto the deck, scoop up the dirt covered two-year-old and hiss in his ear that it is never okay to throw shovels. His dirt clings to me as I strip him down to bring him inside. He kicks at me, screams, yells "Go way!" in my face.

Now baby screams, awoken much too early by his older brothers, for the second time today.

I burn hot.

********

This is par for the course these days... me limping along upon moments of high and low. The highs are the highest they've ever been, the lows come more quickly than ever before. How am I, ragged mother, to stand straight and tall before God in the throes of these days? I can almost see the word 'Pharisee' scrawled upon a banner above my head. One moment I am praising Him for his gifts, this day, these boys, this house, this job! The very next I am cursing- literally cursing- under my breath and throwing barbed words around hoping they will stick somewhere, to someone, and relieve the pressure in my chest.

*********

Chris comes home from a long morning of playing music at two back-to-back church services. I feel the desire to lash out at him... somehow stick the morning I've had to his shirt and walk away from it. It's touch and go for a moment, he softens me with his eyes.

We talk of the big things coming up on the horizon. My heart starts to beat life again. I wash dishes in the soapy sink and I sing as loud as the napping children's closed doors will allow.

"Oh Lord, my rock,
my strength in weakness...
come rescue me,
Oh Lord..."

As I move my sponge in circles over the caked-on cinnamon roll frosting, I smile because I somehow sang joy into this mess of a day and the floor in front of my kitchen sink is suddenly holy ground. I feel God's pleasure rise up all around me and I see in my mind a picture of a little blonde tossled-haired girl sitting on her trampoline in the dusk staring up at the mountains that seem to spring up from the edge of her backyard and it's me! And He's there! I knew it then and I know it now and I feel Him say, bold:

"I am so proud of the woman you have become."

My tears mix with the dish water and I sing it back soft:

"You are my hope,
and Your promise never fails me.
For you are good,
for you are good,
for you are good
to me."

*********

Fall Fashion Week - Friday!

2011-09-30T00:01:00.002-05:00

It is the last day of Fall fashion week! (tragedy of tragedies!!) You WILL join me for a Spring or Summer week in the not-so-distant future, won't you?

Today I am posting my day & night looks. Same shirt, two different ways to style it.

I pinned my hair up today. I love having this length of hair because I can wear it short or pin it up and wear it "fake long". haha. I am in the middle of growing it out, though, so hopefully I won't have to fake it for too much longer. My hair grows at the rate of approximately one quarter inch per eternity.

day look:

top- Harold's, thrifted
trench- Forever21
necklace- Forever21
bracelet- vintage thrifted
skirt- Target maxi dress
gold medallion ballet flats- thrifted

night look:

jacket- thrifted
belt- vintage thrifted
skirt- vintage thrifted
heels- thrifted

Once again, you all are spectacular, spectacular!! Thank you so much for making this week a huge success!

I will be drawing a name for the winner of the $45 ModCloth giftcard on MONDAY, so stay tuned!!

Oh, I hope it is you! ;)

Fall Fashion Week - Thursday!

2011-09-29T00:01:00.003-05:00

** I am very sorry that the linkytools site I have been using for our link-up has been so troublesome! Some of you have had issues linking and other times the whole thing disappears. I will try to find a more reliable service for our next fashion week! Thanks for your patience. xoxoxo **

------------------------

Today was a busy day! One of the first things I had to accomplish was returning the *very* late books to the library with two boys in tow. I had to pay $19.20 in fines! hahahahaha.

oh, me.

I kept things simple since I knew I would be lugging 2-3 squirmy boys around town all day.

Headband- Gift from friend
Ears- my favorite thing about my head. (I have a thing for ears. I think girls with big ears are GORGEOUS!)
Sweater- thrifted
Backpack- vintage, thrifted
Shorts- F21
Holey Shoes- Grasshoppers by KEDS, thrifted (and missing a shoelace.)

I loved reading your stories about complimenting people yesterday. After reading some of your posts, I just wanted to run out my front door and start complementing everything that moved! haha. I actually followed a SUUUUPER cute pregnant girl around Target for a little while until I could catch up to her and tell her how beautiful she was.

Mayhaps I am being a bit too zealous with my challenge?

Mayhaps MY BUTT. This is fun!

;)

Tomorrow is our last day!! (Pretend I am not weeping.) I have been having an insane amount of fun doing this with all you ladies this week. Again, thank you so much for being such QUALITY human beings. I adore you all.

Fall Fashion Week - Wednesday!

2011-09-28T00:01:00.005-05:00

I woke up this morning feeling like a gypsy at heart- a nomad girl hungry for movement- so I dressed the part.

Headpiece- altered fascinator from Ross
Dress- willow & clay from 1/2 of 1/2 Name Brand Clothing
Cardigan- thrifted
Flipflops- Target

My results for the challenge from yesterday: While out & about I saw a woman with her brand new baby. We chatted for a bit about her little guy and then I told her that she looked really amazing and that I could just see the love she had for her baby all over her face, that she was glowing! She seemed really touched by the compliment and I was reminded that beauty really has nothing to do with the clothes we wear or the condition our bodies are in. This woman was giddy and in love and proud of her new son and she just beamed joy! I honestly don't even remember what she was wearing... her beauty came from a deeper place.

Did any of you get a chance to step out of your comfort zones and compliment someone yesterday? Tell us about it if you did! :)

There are only two days left! Join in if you haven't already, you won't regret it! :)

Fall Fashion Week - Tuesday!

2011-09-27T00:01:00.008-05:00

This morning the weather was wonderful, so after Ezra went off to school me and the two littles tumbled out into the backyard and got lost for hours in our own ways.

I read and sipped coffee while Myer played in the dirt and buried cars. Truman napped like a champ and the crisp breeze called for a blanket to cocoon myself up in.

Why do I start my mornings in any other way? And why do I constantly forget that beauty can be found ANYWHERE... even in a tiny backyard in the middle of oklahoma?

I'm learning to see with new eyes.

Anywho, this is what I wore the rest of the day:

Hat- thrifted
Top- vintage nordstroms thrifted
Necklace- gift from friend
Shorts- thrifted
Belt- thrifted
Backpack- thrifted
Knee-highs- TJ Maxx
Shoes- Report from Ross

This week so far has been so so great, thanks to you all.

Here's a challenge for you... now that we're in the groove of complimenting one another and brightening each other's days... try applying it to the people around you too! Step out and compliment someone (or multiple people!) that you come in contact with during your day today, and then tell us about your experience in your next outfit post!

Truman is excited about this challenge, can you tell? haha.

Fall Fashion Week - Monday!

2011-09-26T00:01:00.008-05:00

The last couple of days have been a whirlwind of fun activity for my husband's 30th birthday and my Mother-in-Law's birthday, which is only 3 days after his!

(and by "whirlwind of activity", I pretty much mean I have eaten enough brownies and cupcakes to kill a small horse.)

I wore this outfit during the madness so I could chase three little boys and bake cupcakes and try to keep the house somewhat nice during all the commotion.

Lovely chaos!

jacket- Forever21
Camisole- gift from my mama
Owl necklace- vintage thrifted
Belt- gift from my friend Joel
Jeans- Old man Levi wranglers, thrifted
Flipflops- Target

I am having so much fun checking out all of your pictures! You guys are such a wonderful bunch... I am honored to have you participating this week. Thanks for all the wonderful feedback and support that are floating all around this corner of the internet... you really class the joint up.

hehe.

Remember, it's never too late to join in the fun!!

Fall Fashion Week - Sunday!

2011-09-25T00:01:00.006-05:00

Woo hoo! You ladies are looking fan-freakin-tastic in your Fall outfits!!!

I wanted to leave book-length comments on all your pretty looks! hahaha.

Here's my outfit for Sunday:

Hat- thrifted
PUMPKIN Dress- Vintage, thrifted
Cardigan- Forever21
Sandals- Target

This armoire was awkwardly in my living room for a coupla of weeks after we found the $2 credenza at the thrift store that replaced it. Thankfully, we sold the armoire a few days ago so it's no longer hovering in the corner of my life. ha. Thank you, Craigslist!

Now it's your turn! Fall Fashion Day 2... hooray!

Fall Fashion Week - Saturday!

2011-09-24T00:01:00.003-05:00

Aaaaand, they're off!

Here's my first outfit for the week:

So... does it look like I am trying to camouflage myself into my own living room?

Did any of you ever ~~get traumatized~~ watch that scary movie from the 80's called "When A Stranger Calls Back?". I'm the brick wall guy! boo!!!

(Apparently I dress like my house. hahahahaa.)

Hat- vintage, thrifted
bow- vintage, thrifted with clip glued on back
Cardigan- Forever21
Dress- Vintage, thrifted
Shoes- dolce vita from Ross

Now it's your turn!! Enter the link to your specific Saturday outfit post below, and then make sure to check out everyone else's looks and leave them some (sweet & lovely) feedback!

Can't wait to see you Fall fashionistas!

I Love You, Tomorrow.

2011-09-23T10:25:00.003-05:00

TOMORROW our Fall Fashion Week begins! I'm so so excited.

I forgot to tell you all what the giveaway would be!!

The winner of the end-of-the-week drawing will get a
$45 giftcard to Modcloth!

(this fashion week is not sponsored by Modcloth in any way. I use the $ I get from the blogher ads on my site for my fashion week giveaways as a way to say THANK YOU to all my amazing readers!)

So... spread the word, snap some pictures, and come on back here tomorrow to share your first link for the big kickoff! And don't forget the most important part: check out everyone's looks and leave them lovely comments this week!

(Any link is welcome... Instagram, tumblr, flickr... if we can see it, you can share it!)

Here's a small button for sharing... Just copy and paste that HTML code in your blog or sidebar!

**For those of you viewing on a Reader, click through to get the html codes!**

Or, here's the code for a BIGGER version if you'd like to do a separate post (like this one) to spread the word:

Thanks and see you tomorrow! :)

Mother Weary.

2011-09-21T13:46:00.005-05:00

My eyes snap open again in the heavy dark. It is 3:00AM. Something like the 14th consecutive 3:00AM I've seen blinking back red at me in the blackness of my room. My feet find the floor without my knowledge and I stumble toward the whimpering cry.

It's been two weeks of this. The sweet babe is not sleeping at night. 9:00. 11:00. 1:00. 3:00. 5:00...

Rest cut up into two hour pieces is no rest at all. It is a messy, violent thing that lingers and clings to the bones all the waking hours.

I feel worn thin, almost transparent.

Molars? Sickness?

Teeny tiny baby manipulation?

Whatever it is, it drains.

I would let the cries ring- I have no qualms against such things, but there are the others in this household that need their sleep much more than I. There are growing boys and a hard-laboring husband. These walls so close together muffle nothing. The hallway becomes a trumpet and I lunge to silence the blast.

The time-tested mother in me knows that this is only a short season... one brushstroke on the beautiful sprawling canvas, but the physical body knows nothing of seasons or brushstrokes. It knows only the weary now and it slowly grinds to a halt.

I brew more coffee.
Apply more concealer.
Pray in deep breaths,
And push through.

Dreaming Out Windows.

2011-09-14T22:38:00.005-05:00

The days swell and splay and I'm left embedded a little further down into this life.

The feeling of cool moving air on my skin triggers wonder, after all those precariously stacked up weeks upon weeks of static heat. It's as if every single pore of my skin is gasping hard at it and I reel.

Out car windows I stretch arms, hands, fingers, until they pop. I lounge on picnic blankets and wiggle my toes in the sky. Never again will days like these be taken for granted. Every breeze and cloud and raindrop is grace to me now, forever.

Today is the first day that feels like Fall.

I throw open my doors to it and beg it to come in.

I sip tea, contemplate baking, stare out windows, and dream like I haven't dared to in years.

The Pointless Prize. (Re-post)

2011-09-14T08:58:00.004-05:00

I'm preaching this to myself today. I woke up today feeling like I needed to unearth this old entry and re-post it. It's from 2009.

*****

image here .

Geesh, it seems I have to return to this mindset fifty times a year, but I'm determined to stay here so I'll turn back fifty times a day, if it comes to that.

Wealth. Materialism. The wretched MOREness that drives us day in and day out. The pointless prize.

Never satisfied, yet constantly being lured out to the desert by being promised the ocean.

"Buy this! You will BE better! More people will like you! Your skin will glow! Your teeth will glow! Your body will shrink! Your eyelashes will lengthen! Your hair will grow back! You will shed inches while you SLEEP!"

"Get this much square footage! You can throw fancy parties and not have to ever hear your kids during the day and you can have a separate room for your every single fancy and whim! Then, just pay someone else to come clean it for you!"

It makes me queasy just thinking of it all. We sit around in our ginormous houses and waste hours of each day trying to track down the most recent must-have. We're being fattened to death! Gluttoned into slow, drawn out death-rattles! And how much of this stuff will we be taking with us when we draw that final breath?

Zilch.

You could walk out your door tomorrow and it could be the very last time you do.

Morbid? No... It's called reality. If it bothers you to think of it, well... I don't know what to tell you. You can secure your fortress until you're living in a gated community of pillows and marshmallows, and death will still find you.

And when it does? We will be in our graves and our big houses and our money and our stuff STUFF STUFF will be far from our grasp.

Recently, we've been in a bit of a rough patch, this little family of ours. Not necessarily financially... we're still in the same place we've been since we married: living by daily bread. Having enough for what we need, and not a whole lot more. And we've been very happy this way.

But a few weeks ago, something in our minds shifted and we suddenly felt like we needed MORE. Priorities flew to the wind. We hardly saw each other. My husband worked his fingers to the bone and would come home late only to pass out on the couch or floor- whatever flat surface he happened to land on first. Resentment built up quickly. It became a constant comparison of 'who's REALLY working harder'?

I began to waste away from lack of sleep and lack of time away from the kids and lack of harmony in our home. Chris was burdened with the feeling of not being enough... he couldn't multiply himself enough to cover all the bases at once. He felt like the pitcher and the batter and the outfielder all at once.

When you strip this all down, it was the nagging MORE that pushed us to this place. Also known as Discontent.

When all of this finally broke, it was like water pouring back into my soul.

I'd rather have my husband than an increasing sense of comfort.

After all, as my history shows, the more comfort I obtain, the further away God seems to get. He can BE there in the comfort too, I'm not saying that He isn't, but for me personally, I have not mastered the NEEDING of Him in the midst of needing nothing at all. Maybe someday I will get to that place, but I pray that my heart will get there long before the money ever does.

Discontentment is like a wedge. It starts out as a small crack, the pressure builds and forces it down, and suddenly I'm standing on the opposite side of the Grand Canyon from all my peace, hope, and joy. Suddenly I am nowhere near my smile. And it all started with the tiny trickle known as "if only..."

I believe that God has all of my needs under control. I believe that He has brought me to this house, to this neighborhood, to this life for a purpose. And I will trust Him with all that goes along with that. (example: If He's brought us to this house, then I'm sure that He's thought ahead enough and planned for Ezra to attend that little school that he's zoned for down the street. Even if it's not the shiniest school in the city! Even if there's a part of me that wants Ezra to go to the sparkly school with all the latest gizmos! I will not be lured away by the MORE on this one... I will not be lured away by the false sense of security and comfort that comes from sending my kids to the 'best' schools in town. If Ezra were meant to go elsewhere, we would have ended up elsewhere.)

I'm coming back to contentment. (It was waiting with open arms.)

It feels like rounding the corner of your street after a long and difficult journey... like finding the bread crumb trail after wandering lost in the woods for what seemed like ages...

...like a one-way ticket back to your own front door.

home.

Truman Arthur, 6 months.

2011-09-11T01:13:00.000-05:00

UGH. Total perfection, this babe.

I adore him so hard, sometimes when I'm holding him I just want to ABSORB him... engrave him into my memory like pressed tin so as to never forget. Those eyes, those lashes, that big toothy grin... I want to be able to run my fingers over these sweet things until they are worn smooth from the years.

He gurgles and coos and it sounds like cuteness incarnate. Like, I want to gather up his quiet little sounds and pet them and squeeze them and name them George.

He loves ears. And brothers. And brother's ears.

He's working on tooth 7 & 8 right now. SEVEN AND EIGHT. Try and wrap your mind around THAT.

(He has been kind to me though, the toothy monster, while breastfeeding. Unlike some of my other toothy children were. *cough*MYER*cough*cough*)

Life without Truman Arthur would be... less sparkly. Less giggly. Less drooly!

I am so thankful for him, this boy number three.

Happy 6 months, little Tru! You are the cherry on top!

Collected Thread Giveaway : the Winner!

2011-09-09T19:23:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to pop in and announce the winner of the Collected Thread sailboat pillow giveaway! I drew a name from a ~~hat~~ plastic bowl to discover who our winner would be.

And the winner is... Kelli!

Congratulations!!!

(I will email you more details and you can swing by and pick up your prize anytime!)

And all you locals, remember to stop by this weekend for the big COLLECTED THREE celebration! Thanks for all who entered!

:)

2011 Fall Fashion Week - Join Us!

2011-09-07T10:09:00.007-05:00

Hooray!! It's time for another fashion week here on 'moms are for everyone'! I haven't done one in awhile due to being large preggo and then having a newborn around, but Fall is my favorite fashion season and I am ready to jump back in!

I'm so excited to host this again and I can't wait to see your favorite fall looks this year!

Here are the ground rules for those of you who are new to the game:

1. Snap pictures of your snazzy Fall looks starting September 24th. (Or, you could start snapping pictures NOW so you will have a plethora to choose from by the time Fall Fashion week rolls around!) On the 24th, post your first look on your blog.

2. Come back here on Saturday, September 24th. On that day, you will find a link list that you can plug your specific Saturday fashion post info into so that everyone can see that you've participated for that day. There will be separate link lists for each day. Each list will compile all the links together for each day so we can see everyone who is participating in one place! (Please share the link to your specific day's post, not the link to your general blog!)

3. Repeat for each day of the week! For each day you participate, your name will be entered into a drawing for a fun giveaway at the end of the seven days!

(This is all just a ploy for me to be able to say THANK YOU for all your continued support and readership here on my bloggity blog. I just adore you guys and am so thankful for all your encouragement throughout the years!)

4. Lastly, TELL ALL YOUR BLOG BUDDIES! Spread the news! The more people we have joining in the fun, the better it will be! Pencil it in your calendars and then go shout it from your rooftop. (Because that wouldn't be awkward AT ALL.)

Here's a small button for any of you who want to start spreading the word... (Just copy and paste that HTML code into your sidebar.)

Or, here's the code for a BIGGER version if you'd like to do a separate post (like this one) to spread the word:

I'm so excited to do this again with you guys.

So... are you in?! Let me know if you're in! And then, start spreading the word! We've got two and a half weeks before our start date... I can't wait! :)

Before & After: The Credenza.

2011-09-05T13:52:00.007-05:00

I walked by a credenza in the thrift store the other day, standing up on its end, and I thought, "hmmm... potential!". I mentioned it to my husband but didn't think much else of it.

The next day Chris stopped by the thrift store on the way home and picked it up. We've been wanting to downsize from the huge armoire that has housed our TV all these years and eaten up a big chunk of our living space. It is just much too big for our little 1950's home.

This is what he brought home. A scuffed up old office credenza that was missing the two sliding doors on the front. But, oh! The potential!

I audibly gulped as I asked him how much they charged him for it. With furniture, you just never know.

It was %90 off of $24.99.

AKA TWO DOLLARS.

woooooo hooooooo!!

It needed some TLC, and we were more than willing to be the providers of it. My painting contractor husband did his wizardry on the finish, and within minutes, the scuffs and scrapes and dings had all but disappeared.

I had the idea of covering up the space where the doors were with a tension rod and some fabric.

And here's where we're at now:

My husband spotted this awesome fabric in the store and he also had the idea of doing two tension rods instead of one so that the fabric would be taut. I spent the afternoon yesterday sewing while sipping chai and listening to some good jazz.

Heaven on earth? Yes indeedy.

I'm thinking we should start a business restoring old furniture. How fun would that be?!?

I am so happy with how it turned out!

All we have left to do is put on the new legs that I ordered from eBay, which should give it even more of a mid-century modern feel. I can't wait to see it all finished up!

My Thrifted Living Room Wall Collage.

2011-09-02T10:28:00.004-05:00

I was recently inspired by my sweet neighbor Nikki to spruce up my walls a bit. I had just rearranged the furniture in the living room and had a big blank wall just sitting there staring at me, so I high-tailed it to the thrift store!

I found the large center piece first and then just kind of threw some random things up around it all haphazard-like.

I love how it all turned out! Here's some close up shots of the smaller pieces:

I love how it's a perfect combo of girly and manly things. :)

I got some of these pieces just last night after returning home with the most amazing thrift store bounty I've possibly ever stumbled upon in my life:

This was seriously only about 1/3 of the stuff I actually wanted to buy, but we're on this kooky thing called a "budget" so I refrained. hehe. There was a whole RACK full of new-ish Baby GAP clothes like this for $1.50 each. CRAZY!

I wish thrift store shopping could be a career. I could seriously do it EVERY SINGLE DAY. haha.

hi moose-goose!

I Took on Too Much Today.

2011-08-31T22:25:00.012-05:00

bubbles! OF TERROR! hahaha.

I took on way too much today.

I didn't really mean to, it just all kind of... happened. TODAY.

It all started with a trip to the grocery store early this morning after Ezra was at school. We needed one of everything... you know how it goes... and I had an infant strapped to my chest and a 2 year old in the cart who has recently moved beyond "challenging" into the realms of "batpoop crazy".

We had to walk down every isle. And then I had to go back down a couple that I somehow missed things on, all while listening to the constant badgering from a certain 2 year old about the "tiny batteries" that I promised to buy him for his train.

(I fear I may have post-traumatic stress over the "tiny battery" torture that I endured this morning. If I ever hear the words "tiny batteries" again, I'm just going to scream and run with no preface whatsoever. Just so you know.)

Anywho, we did mostly OK in the store, despite stumbling upon the WORLD'S! SLOWEST! BAGGER! at the checkout, when I was mere inches from the finish line. She was as sweet as could be, and I really did appreciate her taking such care with my grocery items, but also? This baby ain't gettin' any lighter and this 2 year old ain't gettin' any quieter sweetheart. JUST THROW THE STUFF IN THE BAGS. I AM REALLY OK WITH MY BREAD ITEMS TOUCHING MY FROZEN ITEMS RIGHT NOW.

(Heck, I would have been okay with my food items touching my poison items at that point, hahaha.)

MYER: "Where's my TINY BATTERIES go mama??"

ME: *eye twitch*

So, I get all the (perfectly bagged!) groceries home and as I'm pulling into the driveway I remember the thing I always forget. I have to bring all this stuff inside somehow.

I realize that there are probably a few people out there who don't own a gaggle of children who are thinking in their perfectly coiffed heads, "...and?"

These are the people who have never had to juggle a sleeping infant in a carseat and a loud child or two in the other seats and a car full of frozen items that are quickly becoming baked items in the 111 degree heat and the concern over if a policeman happened to drive by and one's kids were all still strapped in the car while one was lugging armful after armful of groceries inside, how much time would one serve, exactly? And would the jail cell be relatively quiet where one could potentially hear one's own thoughts without having to maintain banter about "tiny batteries" for hours at a time?

Hmmm...... Wait. Why do I suddenly hear a ukulele playing in my head?

I leave the kids in the running car and bring in the endless bags. Then I bring in the children. Then I put everything away while also making lunch and setting up the pottytraining stuff and feeding the baby.

THEN I remember to go turn the car off. hahaha.

That brings me to THING TWO. Myer finally expressed an interest in potty training today. I was not about to let that opportunity slip through my fingers, so I girded my loins and pulled the dusty potty chair out into the living room. I set out juice boxes and fun Lightning McQueen undies and crazy straws and M&M's, and I dug in my heels.

Things were going great! For about... 20 minutes.

He went potty once after much coaxing, and was excited about the progress, but then something shut down in him. He wanted NOTHING to do with the potty after that.

What is a mother to do? Do you strong-arm your way through toward the goal? Do you give in the a child's desires and slap the diaper back on?

I tried the strong-arm approach.

I... pretty much lost. To a two-year-old. He's waaay too strong for me to fight right now.

After dragging a second "potty success" out of the child this evening, I checked my energy reserves. The tank was completely empty, and I had just fed Myer a half pound of M&M's right in the middle of dinner, just so he would stop freaking out and pee into a green plastic frog.

Not my finest parenting moment, let's just say that.

Oh, and THING THREE: I took all three kids to the library in there somewhere. I can't remember how it all worked out logistically. It's all a blur at this point.

So... yeah. I took on too much today.

Thank the sweet Lord Jesus that tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I plan to stay in my jammies and change lots and lots of glorious diapers. That sounds like *heaven on earth* right about now, it really does. haha.

You Could Win a BOAT!

2011-08-31T13:37:00.006-05:00

This right here is my sweet friend Lindsay Zodrow:

She is cute. And she owns an amazing shop in the Plaza District here in Oklahoma City called Collected Thread.

The shop is not only freakishly adorable, it is also deeply rooted in its community and seeks to give back to it in creative ways.

On September 9th & 10th, Collected Thread will be celebrating its 3rd anniversary...in style!

Collected Thread will be installing a huge yarn installation outside to celebrate their anniversary as well as giving away free t-shirts, totes, and gift baskets of Collected Thread goods both on Friday & Saturday nights. 20% of the proceeds from purchases of 3 items or more will also go to the Plaza District Association!

There will be free cupcakes from Cuppies & Joe and, on Saturday, coffee catered from Café Evoke!

Say whaaa?? So fun! And yummy.

And here's where it gets fun for YOU, my dear local Oklahoma City friends & readers!

Lindsay is offering this suuuuper cute blue sailboat pillow from the shop to one of you lucky locals!

(Please note: Life jackets are not included. hehe.)

All you have to do to enter to win is leave me a comment here with your email address, and tell me something you love about being a local here in the OKC area.

I will randomly select a winner during the day on Friday, and you will be able to pick up your prize from the shop at your convenience!

I am so excited and honored to help get the word out about this sweet little shop's special celebration.

Be sure to visit them September 9th & 10th, and bring yo' friends along!

The Screeching Season.

2011-08-23T08:33:00.008-05:00

**this post is inspired by this book and part of my continuation of hunting for more gratitude in my everyday life. I've started a series on Instagram & Flickr called #1000thanks where I am documenting the things I am thankful for, via images, throughout the day! Join me there or on Facebook or on Twitter if you'd like!**

These days have been battlefield days... the kind where every moment feels like imminent victory or imminent defeat, with no middle ground in between. One moment I am soaring high with thanksgiving on my lips, gratitude singing in my heart, joy lighting my face... the next I am hiding in the bedroom- breathing hard and reeling.

There is such a tension in my heart... like a violin string... held somewhere between singing and snapping sharp, coiling back.

I feel like this is all stemming from my dogged determination to dig up gratitude in the hard soil of my heart. It is... extremely hard work. Harder than I ever imagined it would be. But if you think about it, it is sort of akin to throwing a speeding car in reverse on the highway, isn't it? I have been driving so long and so hard and so far in discontentment! I have been wandering the road for 29 years, grumbling all the live long day! To throw my life suddenly into the direction of gratitude has not been easy. The tires are screaming and leaving melted layers on the asphalt. The smoke billows and every heavy ounce of kinetic energy is fighting the shift.

I am pressing against the momentum of an entire lifetime.

I'm in the screeching season.

I remind myself that it is just that... a season. It WILL become more natural, over time. As I do the hard work and hard practice of finding thankfulness in every day, every hour, it will become more like second nature. The momentum WILL eventually shift. Oh, I long for that to be the direction of my life!

But for now, it's the screeching season.

I will keep fighting. I will keep breathing. I will keep framing up these snapshots of gratitude... little memorials of God's goodness to me, to my family... preserved in time so that I can look.

(thanks for this verse, sweet anna joy!)

So that I can look and remember.

When the Jungle Drums Stop Pounding.

2011-08-17T08:35:00.006-05:00

There are days when I can totally picture myself having another child. (In the not-so-near future, of cooooourse.) Then there are the other days in which I am thrilled to have my body (mostly) back to myself and I have a hard time picturing the pregnancy/labor fiasco all over again.

I am happy with three boys. I would be happy with four boys. I would be happy with three boys and a girl!

My husband is not ready to think about such things right this second... you know, because he is sane and possesses all of his faculties and whatnot.

I just really feel more and more confident that I was made for this. Not because I am good at it (guffaw!), but because it feels deeply right that I should be laying down my life in this way for this season. It's like a gut instinct that I am right where I am meant to be... in my home, with these boys.

It's not exactly the life I had always pictured for myself in my head while I was growing up... it's not exactly the life that the world and the media are telling me I should fight for and desire...

...It's only about one bajillion times better.

That's not to say that I don't have days where I want to fly the coop for awhile... get in the car and drive until I feel the jungle drums stop pounding in my head...

I do have those moments. But they are becoming fewer and farther between. Because I no longer feel the need to chase anything "greater". What I am doing in my home with these boys IS great! How could I have ever believed that this was...not enough? That I needed to contribute more and be more and do more in order to be... seen? Valued? Worthwhile?

It is a miracle that those jungle drums have ceased pounding through all of my days. They were driving me to a breaking point. I used to wake to them every morning and fight my way back to sleep through them at night.

I don't know exactly when they stopped hammering... those drums of war... but in their absence I can finally hear the truth:

I was made for this. It may not be easy and my life may not be featured on the cover of any glam magazine anytime soon... heck, I live in Oklahoma in a small brick house on a quiet little street... but what my life may be lacking in flash & pizazz, it more than makes up for in richness and depth. This simple life has deep churning oceans of eternal worth.

And there is nowhere else I'd rather be.

Grain by Grain.

2011-08-09T21:45:00.003-05:00

Joy is buried down in gratitude, like a treasure chest in the sand.

Some days I find it, this treasure that is rightfully mine. I get down on my knees and dig down into thankfulness until I strike it. The feel of it surprises me every time. Other days I cower in the shade and complain that the sand is too hot... the labor too demeaning... the treasure too deep. The joy is there right under my nose... I choose not to see.

Every single breath, every day of good health, every time my husband bends to kiss my neck... these are things in which I am learning to see God's extravagant goodness.

Grain by grain, a slow and steady unearthing.

Lord, help me to keep digging. Grain by grain. No matter what. No matter where. For all the days of my life.

I Almost Died in a Tar Pit.

2011-08-03T20:48:00.006-05:00

The one and only thing that I can say I am enjoying about this ridiculous heat wave falls somewhere along the lines of "Misery loves company".

I have always hated the heat. I have always dreaded the Summer. I have never liked the feeling of the sun blaring down on my skin. It gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it! bleeegweee!!

I have felt entirely alone in this sentiment for all the years that I can ever remember.

Whenever I would mention the fact that I, ahem, *strongly* disliked the sun, people would balk. They would stare aghast and ask how on earth I could not love the Summer...

What about the pool days?
The beach days?
The sun bathing?
The tank tops and shorts and flip flops?
The ice cream trucks??

No. no. no. no. yes.

I could write passionately about how much I have always disliked the heat and how my very soul seems to wake up and sing when it is cold or overcast or rainy or snowing, but I will spare you my soap-boxy long-windedness.

All I can say is that this heat wave has suddenly made me feel like a whole lot less of an outsider. It has been the hottest two months on record for this state, and we are smack dab in the middle of the worst drought in 90 years. We've had 68 days straight of higher-than-norm temps. It's drier than the dust bowl days here, folks! And just today? It was 113 degrees and my flip flop stuck to the pavement when I hopped out to get Ezra from school.

THE TAR IS MELTING. Hide yo dinosaurz.

Every thing is brown. Everything is miserable. Everyone is grouchy. Yet somehow, I find myself... smirking inside.

It seems that all everyone wants to talk about these days is how awful the heat is. And all I can do is try not to nod so hard that my head falls off and smile and emphatically agree.

It takes all that I have in me not to yell at the top of my lungs, "I TOLD YOU HEAT WAS EVIIIIIIL!!!!!" and dive head-first into the nearest ice box. Or ice cream truck.

Misery may love company, but she also loves her Rocket Pops.

*Slurp*

He is a Page Turner.

2011-07-28T08:24:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time...

...and then I cried like a baby.

THE END.

One Million Words.

2011-07-26T23:14:00.006-05:00

Ezra told me today, while we were wandering slow-like through the air conditioned mall, that it would take, like, at least one million words to thank God for my love.

The tears sprung to my eyes and I dropped weak to his eye level and asked him to say it again. My heart was hungry for this moment, and I immediately recognized that this hunt for gratitude that I have been on lately has not gone unnoticed by watchful eyes. He has been watching me watch for thankfulness.

The very night before, I had stayed up too late crying out to my husband that I felt like I had "missed the mark" with Ezra somehow. Me and him, we just rub wrong most days. And it feels as if it has always been this way, this feeling of different frequencies. And last night, it all came rushing out- forced upwards by the hard lump in my throat. All my despair over how to parent this child rushed out and pooled onto my pillow. Why do we have such a hard time getting along? Coexisting? Why do we rub so wrong until anger is quick and hearts feel hardened? Why do I feel so suffocated and he so suffocated and where did all the air in this house go to?

I spilled it out. He's a good boy. A GREAT boy. He needs soooo much of my attention, which is a little busy being scattered around the house like stray legos most days. When I try to give that attention, we rub. We fight. We retreat. When I don't make time for the attention, he pesters. We rub. We fight. We retreat.

I had gotten to a place where I was retreating from my own son, just so we could survive, and suddenly, last night, I recognized this truth and it hit me like a freight train.

Does he know that I love him? That I like him?

And what kind of a mother sits up in bed late at night and has to ask herself these things?

My husband soothed. ALL mothers had felt such things, he was certain. In the darkest places where we feel alone- all hunched and monsterly- even there, we are never alone. All it takes is shedding a little light in those caverns to see that there is actually a general assembly of us down there, all under the false assumption that we are isolated cast-aways. The darkness makes us blind.

After the wave of hopelessness gushed out of me, we started to fill it back up with truth. Chris prayed. I prayed. We prayed. Give us a breakthrough with Ezra, Lord! Use this to sharpen my character! Use me to drench him in unwavering love, safe! Help us love well!

Not even 12 hours later, in the middle of a bustling mall, these words fall soft from Ezra's lips. They were handcrafted answers to my prayers. Balm for a frazzled, frustrated heart that wants nothing more than for her child to know he is loved... more than one million words could ever even begin to express.

Today, I am thankful that God is real. And that He hears the deepest cries of my heart.

Fragments.

2011-07-21T21:16:00.004-05:00

02. buckets of never-ending possibilities

I've been working on a little project that has the potential to change my achy and weary existence into a straight-up disco ball of multi-faceted joy.

03. tools of the trade

It is nothing fancy, by any means. Quite the opposite, actually! It is a daily photo diary of clumsy gratitude. Gratitude that I hunt for in the wild, unexplored jungles of the mundane.

04. pockets of quiet

I'm learning to slow the shutter speed of my life. To hold still and capture more light. To gather up the things for which I am thankful.

07. candy in the morning

I am DONE with discontentment and grumbling. I am DONE with believing that this life I have, this God I serve, are not good enough.

09. library loot

I have been rescued!! What kind of a story would it be if the damsel in distress turned to the prince and said, "Thanks for saving me and all, but where are you taking me and when will we get there and my feet hurt and I need some alone time and where is my castle and it is TOO HOT here and I didn't ask for this and I'm tired of picking up after you all the time!" The End.

11. truman, the champion sleeper

A story like that would need another chapter. One in which the damsel in distress becomes a delectable dragon treat. Nom nom.

13. clouds that make you crave marshmallows

I am already finding that behind this slowed, deliberate thankfulness, there are deep oceans of joy. Joy that has been whizzing by unnoticed! Oh, I mourn those lost moments... the ingratitude... the feeling like the world owed me something. If it owed anyone anything, it was Jesus, the God-Man, who hung and poured Himself out to make a way. The rescuer who deserves all thanks in ALL moments, against whom alone I have grumbled and followed with shuffling feet.

14. the joy of reading

I am proud of these images that I am gathering. Not because of any composition or "wow factor", but because they are clumsily captured fragments that make up the whole of this life that I've been given. They are an offering. They are an ebenezer. They are a grateful remembrance.

May I never forget again.

****************************************

Feel free to follow along and join in using whatever platform you prefer. Let me know here if you do! I am using Instagram (and Flickr), user name emeryjo and hashtag #1000thanks.

Four Months.

2011-07-16T17:42:00.002-05:00

He is FOUR months old now, and the absolute sweetest and easiest baby to ever flop around on the face of this earth. He already has two (almost three/four?) teeth. He sleeps 10+ hours a night. (I poop you not.) He smiles and laughs and nurses like a champ.

It's so true what they say about the third, though... they just kind of have to learn to go with the flow. I feel like every single time this poor babe falls asleep, I have to wake him up and plop him in his car seat so I can go get or drop off one of his brothers somewhere! Although, maybe this is why he is sleeping so much at night? If so, I'll take it!! :)

He hardly EVER poops, just like Ezra when he was a baby. He'll go daaaaaays without any action. The doctors just say he is very "efficient". He's using everything that he is getting. He's Truman, the amazing poopless baby!

He only gets bathed once every coupla weeks. hahahaha. Mama has her hands full right now. Baby wipes sponge baths will just have to do! Yet he still somehow manages to smell like heaven...

His brothers adore him. And why shouldn't they? They are the only ones who can get little Tru to laugh. This has endeared him to his brothers like nothing else. Ezra and Myer are proud to be the sole giggle-getters in the household. They wear his laughter like a shiny badge.

I am becoming more comfortable in my role as a mother of three boys. Most days by 7:00pm I am way past "done" and working on "burnt" or maybe "charred", but I feel like we have mostly hit the ground running without any tragic hiccups to speak of. We even GO places and survive! VICTORY! What it practically looks like is this: Truman in the sling, Myer walking or in the umbrella stroller, and Ezra opening all the doors for me like a little gentleman. My boys are usually very well behaved, and so things usually go pretty smoothly when we're out & about. :)

(I stole this pic from my friend Harmony who we got to go see in Kansas City last week for my birthday! squeeee!)

I am loving the "all boys" dynamic we have going on right now, and I am feeling more and more sure that the hard work I am doing here day in and day out, though it feels mind-numbing and soul-draining at times, has more eternal value and worth than I may EVER be able to grasp or understand. And yet... I don't believe that means I shouldn't try to grasp it, that I shouldn't try to understand it.

I have been working on being thankful for what I have, for finding the eternal in the seemingly mundane. I mean, surely God is as much in the Grand Canyon as He is in the view from my kitchen sink, right? This practicing gratitude is bringing me surprising amounts of joy. I started reading the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp, and recommend it highly. It's been like a breath of fresh air to this parched heart of mine. Go get your hands on it, I know you will love it too.

:)

Restless.

2011-07-11T13:12:00.008-05:00

Oh, the restlessness!

Oh, the stretching against the confines of life, like a full term baby in the womb!

These days have been heavy with blistering heat and wretched restlessness. I know deep in my spirit that this feeling is coming from a place of ungratefulness and discontentment... that this is just a symptom of a far more devastating disease- the disease of not satisfying myself in God alone. I look for satisfaction in seemingly EVERY other place, sort of like how my six year old child will look everywhere but my eyes when I am trying to correct him.

Yes, it started in the Garden of Eden... Adam and Eve discontentedly wanting the ONE thing God said they couldn't have... and now here we are, all these many generations later, grumbling and disbelieving His goodness. His sufficiency.

I scour the real estate websites. Denver. Portland. Reno. Seattle. San Luis Obispo. Kansas City... I mean, surely I would find my satisfaction waiting for me in one of these places, right? It's a GEOGRAPHY issue, I tell myself. And just look at all that square footage and those beautiful mature trees! Ooooh, a cul-de-sac! That's what I need! It's just far too hot to find joy here. If I could just live somewhere more beautiful, more temperate, I could feel fulfilled.

It all sounds so riDONKulous when I type it out here. But I have REALLY been thinking and believing these things, as if they were actual answers to the cavernous, carnivorous longing in my heart!

Perhaps a new house here in town would do it. Or maybe one out in the country where my boys could roam for hours, you know... when it wasn't too hot or too cold. Yeah! That's the ticket!

Meanwhile, the Bible that I moved out to my coffee table so it would be physically in my line of sight everyday collects more layers of dust to match my arid spirit. I pace and clean and rearrange and try not to berate my children too often.

I know what the answer is. I just need to lift my chin and make eye contact with Him. Yet I continue to look at my feet and my house and my children and my husband and my book and my TV show and the Internet until I go completely NUMB. I know His eyes would be full of love and compassion and empathy if I could just make myself look there, but I can't seem to make myself DO IT. I choose instead to go to bed numb and wake up numb and dream of far away places.

So... I settle for rearranging my furniture again. I do it every single time I start to feel this way... like life is so monotonous and laborious that, as my friend Bethany so aptly put it the other day, you start to wonder if you've woken up in the movie 'Groundhog Day'.

Lord, save me. Quickly! I repent of believing that you are not good enough. I repent of trying to satisfy myself with the things of this world. I repent of being ungrateful towards you... of basically telling you that what your Son did on the cross wasn't quite enough for me.

It was enough. It IS enough. And it will be enough until the day You take me home.

Happy Fourth!!

2011-07-04T21:36:00.005-05:00

When all FIVE of us manage to not only get dressed but also be color coordinated, there is indeed cause for much celebration & documentation.

Hooray America!!

:)

Goals Met, Goals Set.

2011-06-30T09:30:00.002-05:00

Guten Morgen!

Today I am celebrating a mini-victory because I stepped on a scale this morning and discovered that I am back to my pre-preggo weight! I know this is nothing to stop the presses over, and probably not even the blog over, but I was excited and in need of the little boost of spirits. I've been feeling so BLAH lately!

I put on my sassypants... uh... dress, snapped some pics, and plan to commemorate the occasion with gobs of frozen yogurt later. nom nom.

In unrelated news, Chris and I have recently committed to paying off all of our debt in the next couple of years, which is super exciting!! It's going to take lots of dedication and sacrifice, but I know we will never regret a single moment of it in the long run!

I do a LOT better with sticking to long distance goals when I have a more tangible and visual goal set up alongside of it, so I have also decided that I am going to grow my hair while we chip away at our debt. I know this will help me in my commitment to both daunting tasks- one will give me motivation for the other and vice versa. (I've been missing my long locks lately!)

I've got my eyes on the finish line:

(me and my long lost locks, circa 2008)

Anywho...

Here's to new and exciting beginnings!! :)

In the Unlikely Places.

2011-06-28T11:33:00.001-05:00

I went to church on Sunday and found just what I needed in the most unexpected of places.

It wasn't in the sermon (although that was amazing and powerful too). It wasn't during worship (although that was so very beautiful and sweet). It wasn't even in the ministry time afterwards where you can go and get prayer for any specific hurts you may be carrying.

No. It was in the nursing mother's room.

That little cozy nook with all the soft lighting and rocking chairs and changing tables... I found the grace I desperately needed tucked away there, of all places.

I went to feed Truman before the sermon began, and ended up talking with some of the other women in my community who are also up to their EYEBALLS in small children. And I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I left that room feeling like there were people in this world who actually understood how I have been feeling lately... like there were ears who HEARD me and eyes that were sparkling with compassion and empathy and kindness as I was able to voice some of my rumbling frustrations. It felt so good to be honest and laugh and be real- all of us gliding back and forth on comfy cushions with squirmy babies under soft blankets in our arms.

What a beautiful and surprising place to meet God.

I have been having a very hard time knowing how to parent my six year old well lately. He is a very intense kid- always needing attention and direction and... ATTENTION. He has a very hard time being still or quiet. He has really powerful emotions at the drop of a hat. I have found myself completely exasperated by his behavior. It's Summer, he's around the house more, there is very little structure to our days (due to BABY and whatnot) and it is literally too hot to step outside. I know all of these things are contributing factors, and it has been so hard for me to see the sweet, well-meaning child that I know he really is at heart.

Before I went to church on Sunday, I felt myself spiraling down the old familiar path of believing lies about who I am as a woman and a mother. I am so grateful for the things I have walked through and learned in these last few years, because just being able to RECOGNIZE this struggle of mine is a serious victory in my life. I spent all of the day Saturday battling against it-- gaining ground for an hour or two, losing ground for four, fighting my way back for twenty minutes, and so on...

If I have learned anything in these battles it is that there is ONE path I can choose that will get me out of this spiral the fastest. The quicker I am to acknowledge the fact that I am believing lies over God's truth about me and my life and then repent- swiftly replacing those lies with what God says is true, the quicker I feel like myself again.

For example, I can sit on my sofa and pout and stew because Ezra is driving me batty and won't leave me alone or I can rise up and remind myself that God has given me all that I need to parent this child and I can ask Him to show me what is really going on with Ezra that is making him behave the way he is. And I can ask Him to strengthen me and help me.

So I was battling all this on Saturday and feeling stuck- all because I was believing that I was a bad mom for feeling soooooo frustrated and angry at my six year old... feeling like I didn't even like him. With these thoughts came the feeling of failure and worthlessness as a mother... I felt like I was the only mom in the history of ever who had ever had these kinds of thoughts towards her own child. I knew these were lies, but I still felt like... a monster.

But when I talked with those other moms on Sunday who had been in that same place that I was, I felt the lies break off of me and suddenly I could breathe again. I am NOT alone. We talked about how important it was to spend time with God everyday... because then HIS love will flow out of us and soak our children. I was impressed again with how important community really is in all of this. We were not created to live in our own little bubbles! We will die if we cut ourselves off from each other.

When I left that room on Sunday, both Truman and I were filled up to the brim. :) I am so grateful for God meeting me right where I needed to be met- in the most practical place for a busy mama like me- right in the middle of one of the only moments where I get to actually SIT DOWN and have a conversation without being interrupted a majillion times... when I am nursing at church! I had just been telling Chris how I've felt so disconnected from my friends lately because it is almost impossible to have an actual conversation with anyone (much less a deep and meaningful one) when there are three children needing me and yelling for me and hanging on me every moment of the day. I can hardly even hear myself think!

It was just so hand-crafted for my tired and thirsty heart. (and my tired and thirsty baby. heh.) God sees me, and knows me, and is MORE than able to meet my needs in creative ways... I just have to keep my eyes open and I'm sure He will continue to meet me in surprising and unlikely places. What grace!

Vintage Wears

2011-06-20T09:38:00.003-05:00

vintage sandals

vintage maxi skirt

Chris and I are trying to earn a little extra moolah for some upcoming trips we're taking, so I've decided to dust off the 'ol eBay account after a suuuper long hiatus.

These two items are available now!

xoxo

Laughter Like a Church Bell.

2011-06-11T20:13:00.006-05:00

When you have your first child, you become sort of like a golf ball. You are swatted around a bit, but all-in-all it's a leisurely sort of game you're in... full of learning the skill & precision of a new sport.

When you have your second child, you become more like a volleyball. You are volleyed back and forth between two opponents, but it is still a controlled and predictable flight path you find yourself traveling in- back and forth (with the occasional spike here and there.)

When you have a third child, you suddenly become a pinball... there are flashing lights and loud noises and pitfalls and bumpers and trap doors and flippers and holes and targets and switches and spinners and ramps to attend to, and at the end of the day, you feel so battered and pulled and pushed and bumped that you can think of nothing but being STILL and hearing silence.

At least, that's how it has felt lately for me. If it's not one child needing me, it's the other. And if it is not the other, then it is most definitely the other-other, who is probably in some mode of total melt-down because said "need" was not met immediately due to the fact that I was attending some other "need" when their "need" arose quickly and without warning. ("Mamaaaaaa?" My shirt tag is itching meeeeee!")

This pinball life of mine may be lacking heavily in quiet, solitude, or moments of restful reflection during the days, but I know how temporary this insanity really is, so I try to laugh as much as I can during the day at the craziness of it all. Oh... Myer is whining about food and Ezra is missing an essential lego and the baby needs to nurse and I'm in the middle of cooking dinner? Just laugh! And ask the husband to finish up the dinner while you nurse and soothe and search for a microscopic clear lego deep down in the carpet!

So... Ezra needs help with a lego set and Myer is DRAWING on his toys and the baby somehow wiggled himself onto the hardwood floor from his playmat and face-planted his mini-nose onto the unforgiving wood? Giggle it all off! And then encourage and scrub and coo and soothe! (PS. You forgot to make dinner. Doh!)

Often, the thing that saves my sanity is just imagining myself right in the middle of a sitcom. I imagine what all this chaos would amount to on a little television screen in someone's living room, and it suddenly all doesn't feel quite so daunting anymore.

So, I giggle. And I spout off some witty sarcastic remark, just like a mom in a sitcom would do, but none of my children get it because they are all under the age of seven. (Yet I feel better, none-the-less!) Then I imagine the live studio audience loudly laughing at my wit while I attend to the tri-fold needs before me.

Perhaps this makes me batty, but at least it keeps things... funny.

These boys may have my number right now, but there will come a time, when they are older and grown and living their own lives separate from me, when I hope and pray they will recall all this madness and smile inwardly. And, in those future days, we will gather on special occasions and I will look around the table at their manly faces and smile inwardly as well.

Because I will REMEMBER these days of being up to my EYEBALLS in legos and diapers and Mr. Clean's Magic Erasers, but I will also hear the years of laughter ringing in my ears loud and clear like a far away church bell, and I will know that every single chaotic moment was so very, very...

...worth it.

A Summer Photo Journal.

2011-06-10T12:32:00.004-05:00

This Summer, there have been...

...picnics...

...swimming...

...contemplative staring out of windows...

...wearing things...

...baby joys...

...(extremely brief) times of rest...

...(extremely loud) times of play...

...haircuts...

...tornado scares...

(i could french kiss this tornado shelter right now.)

...and precious introductions.

things have been CRAZY now that the boys are out of school,
and I would be lying if I didn't mention the fact that I have been thisclose to a mental break-down or two(hundred),
but all-in-all, things have been very sweet around these parts.

The boys start up their Summer programs next week, and things should be getting back into more a routine after that!

This here mama can't WAIT.

:)

Beauty in the Chaos.

2011-05-26T07:11:00.010-05:00

I used to be SO incredibly afraid of becoming too busy in the mundane day-to-day of life that I would forget who I was... like I was convinced I would get buried under a pile of sippy cups or something, never to be seen or heard from again.

This was THE biggest struggle for me in those first few of years of becoming a mama. It's painful, now, to look back and see how desperately I was clinging to the fear of "losing myself", mostly because, when you write that another way, it becomes sickeningly clear that really what I was clinging to was just ME... otherwise known as complete and total selfishness.

The beauty of motherhood is in the nitty gritty, though, and if it does nothing else for us, it makes us aware of what self-centered creatures we really are, and then, if we allow it to, walks us through the loooong journey of peeling our eyes off of own navels and directing them towards other people- namely those of our children. And as we begin to lift our heads we realize that there are a whole lot of other people in the periphereal as well. Like, a whole WORLD'S worth of people, actually!

That's how the journey has been for me so far, at least. It's been a beautiful and MUCH NEEDED crash course in "The Universe Doesn't Actually Revolve Around Emery - 101".

The irony in all of this is, of course, the fact that "losing myself" in the "mundane day-to-day" of motherhood has been the perfect and predestined place where I would ultimately find the very best things about myself-- buried under that pile of sippy cups like long lost treasures.

(And also, yes, it goes without saying that motherhood is not the only place where you can find these things. Any time we lay aside ourselves for the sake of others, there will be treasure waiting.)

Yes, I am BUSY now. Often faaaaar too busy to find time to sit down here and write, a thing that brings me great joy. Even this morning, in the span of these few paragraphs, I have been interrupted by my six-year-old excitedly explaining the ins and outs of a computer game and demanding that I play with him "because now it is Summer", my two-year-old whining for me to come out in the living room and serve cereal, and an infant crying due to GAS BUBBLES. It may not be glamorous, but I am learning that there are joys that are appointed for certain seasons of life, and in the absence of finding time to write my heart and thoughts out on paper or screen, new and unexpected joys abound. There WILL be time to write and reflect again, but for now, there are trips to the library and the zoo and the mind-blowing joy of watching my own child learn to read and write HIS thoughts out on paper for the world to see.

Without fail, when I open my eyes in the morning and decide that today does not need to be all about me, I find myself laughing more, enjoying more, savoring more, learning more, and, ultimately, becoming more of the me I was meant to be.

I am not saying we should all abandon the things that make us unique when we push out our first child, but I am saying that we are often stunting the growth of those unique things when we cling to them with a death grip and refuse to fully embrace new seasons of life as they come along. I will not be the "Sippy Cup Retriever" for the rest of my life, but these few short years of being one have taught me more than sitting in a quiet meadow with pen and paper or guitar in hand ever could have, I am quite certain.

I LOVE how completely surprising and seemingly backwards the things of God always are. Like how we find ourselves by pouring ourselves out for others. And how the greatest hardships bring the greatest joys. How he uses the weak to confound the strong. And how our greatest gains come from giving everything away.

It's breathtaking, really. And I am so grateful to be in a season of life where I can learn these things and have the opportunity to practice them every single day.

So... here's to motherhood, the character-building chaos, and the beauty that springs up from it all!

:)

****************

PS. Thanks to all who have written to see if we made it through the crazy tornadoes that came through here the other day!! We are totally fine and didn't have anything come too close. Please pray for those who lost everything- and who are trying to pick up the pieces of their lives after those devastating storms. xo

PPS. Sorry for the bandwidth issues on my blog page- I have no idea how long it has been like that. haha. Bad blogger! It should clear up momentarily...

The Now & Here.

2011-05-17T17:17:00.004-05:00

Truman had a check-up today and he is doing so well! He weighs 12 lbs now and is at 50% for weight, 80% height, and %50 head size.

He has also been officially diagnosed as being "cuter than a cabbage patch doll" by all the nurses. :)

He is such a sweet baby... he smiles and laughs much more than the other boys did at this age, and he is content almost all the time. And he's sleeping 5-6 hours at a time at night! glory hallelujah.

He has been so so pleasant that it is almost dangerous... if all babies were this easy I would probably have about 5 more. hahahaha.

He has also started rolling over from belly to back. He (as well as my other boys) has always slept waaaaay better on his tummy, so all of my kids have been tummy sleepers from the first few weeks on. (collective gasp!) Yet lately, when I go to check on him in his crib, he's sprawled out on his back and gurgle-giggling at the blanket hanging on the side of his crib.

Cuteness explosion.

I am really getting the hang of being a 3 kiddo mommy, although I know a lot of that has to do with the caliber of help I have around me. My mother-in-law swings by my house and takes Ezra to school for me every single morning, meaning I don't have to get all three kids loaded up in the car before 8 AM every day. UH-MAZING. My husband pitches in and handles most of the bedtime routine for the older boys while I nurse Truman in the evenings. And Ezra's school as well as Myer's Mother's Day Out program are complete and total lifesavers.

I fear the long Summer that is approaching, though. No school! All heat all the time! Lil' ol' me VS. three balls of energy! (One of which is allergic to the outdoors and possibly the sun!) LORD HALP ME. (I'm gonna need it.)

Pixie Cut.

2011-05-13T11:39:00.004-05:00

new 'do!

Where the Rubber Meets the Road.

2011-05-08T16:47:00.006-05:00

I was never one of those little girls who dreamed of being a wife and mommy when I was young.

I was more interested in GI Joes and playing down by the creek and writing poetry so sappy it could choke a horse.

(Bald eagles! Purple Mountains! World peace! People crying! ALWAYS with the people crying!)

Even when I was planning my own wedding all those years later, the desire to have kids was hardly a blip on my radar screen.

I'm sure Chris and I had talked about wanting two or three kids EVENTUALLY, but even then it seemed like such a far away, vague concept.

And then, just six months after we said "I do", it hit me like a freight train.

I just had to be a mommy.

Now, looking back, I can see that it was always there deep inside of me- this desire to nurture and comfort and love.

I think it was just hiding behind a fear of coming up short... of not having enough to give when the rubber met the road.

But the one thing that having kids has taught me is this:

The place where the rubber meets the road is holy ground. God has been faithful to meet me there every single time, and He is filling my heart and my home with more motherly love than I EVER dreamed possible.

*************

Happy Mother's Day to you mamas out there, heartfelt prayers and love to those who long to be mamas but have not yet seen those longings fulfilled, and comfort to those whose mamas are no longer here with you to be celebrated on this day.

Love love love to you ALL!!

Grow, Baby, Grow!

2011-05-05T20:22:00.009-05:00

What a difference six weeks makes, eh?!

It reminds me of the comparison that I did with Myer at six weeks growth, too:

Isn't that CRAZY??

I'm so blown away by this. That's only a month and a half! Can you imagine if we continued to grow at this rate? We'd be about 300 feet tall by the time we were five.

haha.

No wonder these little humans sleep so dang much.

Teammates.

2011-04-29T14:01:00.004-05:00

hat- burlington coat factory
jacket- thrifted
shirt- charliehall.com
pants- Ross
Shoes- dolce vida

It's so windy here today that your skin would blow away if you weren't hugging it onto your body. Ezra and Myer had school today, so I tried to go to a clothing store by my house and spend some store credit that I have had there for months, but of course Truman was fussing the WHOLE time I was inside the store until he promptly calmed down and fell asleep the second I gave up and left. haha. I swear, even at this age, they know. They may not know their own hand from a wall, but they know when mama wants a moment to shop, ohyestheydo.

Chris and I had not been communicating very well the past few weeks, and it was seriously like watching a car roll slowly towards a cliff. It was OBVIOUS where it was going to end up, but we just kept right on watching. Thankfully we finally snapped out of it and pulled the emergency brake. We said all that needed to be said, and now it feels like we are on the same team again.

*Insert deep cleansing breath here*

Isn't it amazing how often it feels like we are on the opposing team of our husbands? The ONE person in the world whose team we voluntarily stood up and swore to fight for till death do us part? Maybe it's just me and my stubborn, prideful heart, but I find myself in a different colored jersey WAY too often.

Yet, I know God is changing me. (It has been a S L O W change, but that's only because of my own stiff neck.) When I look back on the wife I was seven years ago, I feel a little bit proud of the work God has done in me so far. I know that I have about a bajillion years worth of things left to learn, but I trust that God can get me to where I need to be if I would just stop trying to protect myself all the time... if I would just let Him get closer than an arm's length to my heart.

Aaaaaanywho... I learned how to play my favorite Ray Lamontagne song on the guitar this afternoon ("Empty") and now that's all that I want to do... for ever and ever... but there are all these children that need to be bathed and lotioned and jammied and brushed and read to and tucked in and sang to and it's just me here tonight because Chris is out DJ-ing a fashion show this evening. (how glam!)

Once the little ones are in bed I am going to have a glass of wine, take a bath, play guitar a bit, and then watch some more Cosby Show on Netflix. I am so addicted to that show right now, it's kind of insane. I think I am going to weep when I click on the final episode... it will feel like a part of my family has been canceled. hahaha.

peace out, yo.
:)

'The Rabbits of Our Lives'

2011-04-28T20:17:00.006-05:00

So, if you're my friend over yonder on 'The Book of Faces' (which, honestly has been morphing into more of an instagram dumping ground for me lately haha), you will already have heard parts of the rabbit drama that we've been engrossed in over here for the last couple of weeks.

It's a regular 'As The World Turns' back there, I swear.

A week before Easter, a large brown rabbit was spotted in our backyard by the neighbors to the East of me. I thought they had just seen a typical, wild rabbit out there when they told me about it, so I didn't think anything of it. Wild rabbits are common around these parts.

The next day, however, when I went out into my backyard, I almost had a heart attack when I saw this thing lop out from behind our composting bin:

"RAWR!!!"

Now, I know that it is really hard to tell the actual size of this beast from this photo because there is nothing given for reference, but just try to imagine this rabbit towering over a chiuaua and giving it the 'Imma gobble you up' eye.

It was HUGE.

I gave the thing a carrot and came back inside because I kept having visions of the Killer Rabbits in Monty Python and I wanted to protect my jugular vein. I was CONVINCED that this rabbit was someone's escaped pet, because of how large it was and because it was so very unafraid of me. But when I posted his picture on Facebook, I got a lot of "oh yeah, we had some of those this morning too!" or, "that's typical of where you live" type responses and so I found myself becoming VERY confused.

And then, the next day after that, I went out to look for the rabbit again with some carrots in hand, and you cannot even imagine my surprise when I turned around as I heard some rustling behind me and saw this:

"we done did MULTIPLIED last night, yuk yuk!"

I grabbed my jugular and ran inside again.

Now I was REALLY confused. Were they wild rabbits who were multiplying? Or were they partners in crime on the run from their cage? I envisioned myself putting up flyers around the vicinity, stating "FOUND: two rabbits! Call Emery and I will return your precious pets to you!" only to become the laughing stock of the ENTIRE neighborhood because they really were wild and could be found in every single yard everywhere.

I didn't make flyers. I just fed them more lettuce and carrots and got used to the idea of having cute bunnies in our yard for our boys to swoon over for awhile.

The next day after I discovered the second rabbit, Myer and I had been out in the yard most of the morning talking to the rabbits and having a grand ol' time watching them and feeding them. Myer was getting a little overheated, though, so I decided to take him inside and get him cooled off a bit before lunch. Not even 5 minutes after we came inside, my neighbor to the East of me texted my phone and said "Our dog just ate the brown rabbit."

Ummm... good thing little Myer wasn't out there to see that chapter of the drama, eh?

I have NO idea how the brown rabbit got over or under the fence and into the neighbor's yard, but sure enough, he was a goner.

I posted a tribute to him over on Facebook to memorialize his little hopping imprint on our lives:

hahaha. (PS. I maybe have no heart.)

Days went by and we never told the boys where 'The Brown One' had disappeared to. I suggested that maybe he up and R-U-N-N-O-F-T to find sweeter carrots somewhere (a hidden heaven metaphor, see that?), and we contented ourselves with seeing the white rabbit out nibbling on our grass every now and then, and feeding him goodies once every couple of days.

And then... YESTERDAY.

Almost TWO WEEKS after the rabbits first appeared, my neighbor to the WEST of me knocked on our door as we were heading out on a date and told us his rabbit was in our yard and could he go back there and try to catch it?

uh...

We stammered that he was welcome to go back there and "good luck!" and we left for our coffee date. As we were leaving he mentioned that he "also had a brown one somewhere", which caused my husband and I to exchange looks of utter mortification and horror as we climbed into the car.

So.

Now.

The moral dilemma: Do we TELL him and his children about the morbid and violent fate of 'The Brown One' (may he rest in peace)? Or do we smile and nod and pretend that we are none-the-wiser, leaving them hope that their brown rabbit has found a field of clovers somewhere and is fancy free and having the time of his little floppy-eared life??

Please, discuss.

I'm all ears.

(har har.)

Outfit Photos.

2011-04-25T13:50:00.006-05:00

a few random outfit shots from the last couple of weeks...

errands.
romper/hat- f21
cardi- thrift

library.
all- thrift

party.
dress/belt- f21

easter sunday.
dress/hat - vintage thrift
cardi- thrift
shoes- dolce vita

aaaaand, while we're on the topic of fashion, I LOVE these shoes from freepeople.com:

boop! end transmission.

Worth The Fight.

2011-04-21T09:58:00.008-05:00

This morning I grabbed my new favorite coffee mug, the one that is as big as my face, and filled it up to the brim. It's the biggest cup we have, and my sweet husband must know how desperately I need the extra ounces these days, because he hand washes it every night before bed and leaves it out on the counter for me so that I can just stumble into the kitchen and POUR.

What a man.

The thing that seems to be pulling the life from my bones these days is not the wee babe. It is not the extremely in-your-face six year old. It is the little dude in the middle.

The other day, he had a two hour screaming fit simply because I told him he could have his cupcake AFTER lunch, and not before.

He screamed and screamed and screamed, and then suddenly, on my 150th time of going back to his room to explain that he was welcome to come out and eat his lunch as soon as he stopped throwing a fit, he looked at me and said "Okay, mama!" and hopped off the chair. He came out to the table, ate his WHOLE lunch, and the got his cupcake with a heaping side of affirmation.

And he seems to really get it about the treats now. But he's still fighting me on every thing else. This morning for example, we are smack dab in the middle of an epic battle of the wills again.

He was whipping the furniture with a metal chain... you know how they do... and I told him firmly to "stop" three or four times. He didn't stop, so I scooped him up and stuck him in timeout. I went back a couple of minutes later and told him that he needs to stop when I say stop, and I asked him to respond with "Yes mama" like he's supposed to, but instead I got a furrowed brow and a glare.

For over an hour we did this. Me asking him to say "Yes mama" when I told him to listen and obey, and he just glaring at me like an angry caveman.

Finally I told him that if he didn't respond properly, he was going to have to go straight to bed for his nap.

Guess where he is right now?

Yep. Bed.

He is the MOST stubborn child I have ever seen!!!

I am encouraged today, however, because I seem to be able to feel the weight of what I am doing with Myer. I am training and correcting him in the way he should go, and there is no greater gift that I can give the boy in life than that. During all the crying and stubbornness this morning, I seem to be able to hear God whispering to my heart that "This is good, this is good, this is good!"

Correcting my child in love and with firmness will be health to his bones all the days of his life. And all of these little struggles and battles that no one sees have the power to shape the man that Myer will become, which in turn could shape the lives of countless other people as he grows and the decades march on.

When I am able to remember that fact, I feel so VERY important! So USEFUL in the Kingdom of God! So HONORED to have been chosen for such a high calling! (Three times over, none the less!)

Why is it so dang hard to remember this? When I forget it, which is almost always the case, I begin to feel so useless, so unseen, so... trapped. My kids suffer, I suffer, my husband suffers. Negativity and bitterness reign in my house. May I never forget the truth of the worth of my job again!!

The interesting thing about all of this is that last week, at the women's study that I go to, we were talking about learning to submit our stubborn wills to the will of God so that we can have abundant life.

Helloooo prime example! When I was looking into Myer's caveman face earlier, I couldn't help but giggle a little. It was like I could suddenly see myself in his place. I have been setting my face towards God in the same way! I have been refusing to respond to His loving correction with equal amounts of stubbornness! I have been choosing to remain in the chair when I could be off truly living!

Thankfully, all I have to do is repent of my stubbornness and hardness towards God (since the ability to repent is the greatest GIFT God has given us on this Earth) and I am RIGHT back in the game. Over and done. It's as simple as that!

Now, if only my two year old would get the "repentance" memo...there are games to be played and books to be read and pages to be colored! We'll see how the flip side of this nap goes. I'm sensing a glorious VICTORY! Because he is so very worth the fight!

:)

Catherine Gikas Photography FTW!

2011-04-19T12:08:00.004-05:00

My amazingly talented friend Catherine Gikas came over to my house during Truman's 'Sip & See' a few weeks ago and she brought her camera with her!

SQUEEEEEEE!!!

She disappeared with Truman for a little while, and captured some precious shots of my little week and a half old baby.

What a gift!! He's already ginormous compared to these photos, and I am so blessed to have these itty-bitty days of his on film so I can treasure them always.

Thank you SO MUCH, Catherine... you are a stud-cadette. (Times infinity billion.)

Click here to see the pics... I looooove them!!

:)

What Are You Worth?

2011-04-12T10:43:00.007-05:00

I recently read THE most powerful and convicting (punch-in-the-gut!) series on being the mamas we were created to be and our battle against INSIGNIFICANCE over on my friend Suzanna's blog.

There are three posts total, and you really must read them if you have ever felt the cold chill of "I am not enough" creep over your heart and your home.

I never realized how much I've allowed myself to live in that ominous shadow until I read these posts.

First, read this.

Then this.

And then this one.

***********

I want to know my worth, and communicate the worth of my children to their hungry hearts. I don't want to feel like I am "under the tablecloth" anymore. I want my home to be happy and peaceful. I need my children to know that I really ENJOY who they are.

I find myself desperate for God to replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh.

Thank you, Suzanna, for boldly writing exactly what this mama needed to hear.

A Walking Billboard.

2011-04-07T19:49:00.002-05:00

Things are going pretty well over here, wherein "well" = mostly chaotic with little pockets of calm sweetness.

Yesterday, I picked up Ezra from school and attempted to take all three boys to Barnes & Noble by myself so that they could play and get a treat and I could get out of the house and drink a yummy jumbo chai latte.

Everything went really really great!

Except for the leaving part.

Myer did the full-on crazy child fit where he was screaming (in a bookstore!) and rolling and kicking and punching while somehow simultaneously going completely limp.

How DO they do that? The kicking and punching AND going limp? Scientists are still baffled.

While all of this was going on, Truman was chillin' in the sling and Ezra kept conveniently wandering off so he could find more science kits to drool over. (<--- nerdalert. haha.)

I stayed calm though, and somehow summoned my Super Mom Strength and PICKED THAT SCREAMING CHILD UP, hoisted him onto my hip, made sure Tru wasn't getting smooshed in his sling, and sauntered out to my car.

I felt every eye in that place on me as we stumbled out the doors. I was a walking billboard for birth control in that moment, ohyesiwas. haha.

I told Myer that he would no longer get to play outside with Ezra when we got home (his most favorite thing to do in the afternoons), due to all the screamy flailing and whatnot. He seemed to understand, and now when he asks to go to the bookstore it goes like this:

"Go Bookstory, mama? Myer no whinin'? Myer no cryin'?"

Cuuuute.

***********************

Truman is still sleeping like a champ and as peaceful as can be. Sometimes he'll wake up from a long nap in his little rocking sleeper (attention all expecting parents: this thing is AMAZING!!) in the living room and I won't even know he's awake because he is just staring at his hand or the fan and not making a sound.

Besides sleeping and eating, he's been busy wrapping the world around his finger, one human at a time.

Here we see him conquering my sweet friend Crystal, who is expecting her own little girl very soon.

He's a charmer, my little Trudude. No one stands a chance against his squirmy powers. ;)

Thrifted.

2011-04-01T12:32:00.008-05:00

I got to drop off the two older boys at school this morning, so it has just been me and little Tru hanging out today.

One baby is SO easy. haha. I did not think so when I only HAD one, but I definitely think so now. Just goes to show you how you adjust to life as "mommy" over time, eh?

I drove directly to a thrift store after I dropped off Myer because it has been a very long 9 months since I last shopped for clothes for myself. Oh, how I have missed thrift store clothes shopping!! I practically ran into the store. haha.

It feels so good to be UNpregnant, and the weather is warming up, and all I wanted to do was find a cute dress that I could still nurse in and a bright colored cardigan...

Success!

I also found an amazing vintage dress, but it is not compatible with breastfeeding, so it will have to go in the closet for a while. Or, I suppose I could wear it for three hours at a time? haha.

I am thinking of setting a new hair goal for myself... possibly trying to grow it out again so that I can achieve the adorable top knot, like so:

According to my calculations, it should only take me about TWELVE YEARS to get my hair that long.

*SIGH*

Lastly, here are my current Modcloth crushes:

i loooooove!! :)

Reality Check.

2011-03-29T11:02:00.008-05:00

Yesterday was such an overwhelming day (the first day of me completely by myself with the kids) that at one point, around 3:30 in the afternoon, I found myself driving around in circles with all three kids in the car listening to a CHRISTMAS ALBUM because it was the closest thing to worship music that I had in my car.

hahahhahahaha.

And then, today.

Oh, today.

Myer woke up at 4:30AM as usual, climbed into my bed and started hitting me with his jingle block until I finally told him to "go find daddy." Chris gets up around 4:30 or 5:00 in the mornings so he can have some quiet time before he goes to work, but I was unaware that this morning he actually left the house at 4:50 to go read and study up at the church for a bit.

When I told Myer to "go find daddy", I had no idea daddy wasn't in the house.

Normally, Myer would just come right back to my bed and proceed to pull me out from under the covers until I got up. But he never came back into the room, and I fell back into a deep sleep. Truman had been fussing all night and I had only gotten a couple hours of sleep.

At 7:00, Ezra came into my room and told me that Myer was on the couch and he was all wet.

I figured his diaper had leaked, and came out into the living room after I got Truman all situated in his bassinet.

Myer was on the couch, and he was covered in vomit. Chris was gone. And I smelled... peanut butter.

My head started spinning. Chris had made Ezra's lunch before he left, with a peanut butter sandwich inside. Myer had come out into the living room BY HIMSELF at 5:00 in the morning and found the lunch on the counter, opened it up, and eaten some of it while I was fast asleep in my room.

Myer is allergic to peanuts.

He had a rash on one side of his face and his eye was all red. He was crying because he had just thrown up. I ran and got him some Benadryl and tried to calm him back down as I cleaned him up and the mess up.

I kept a close eye on Myer for any wheezing/breathing issues, and within an hour, he was acting like he felt better and the rash disappeared.

He is fine now. But it could have been so so so much worse. What if he'd had serious breathing issues and no one was around to react? I'm trying not to play the 'what-if' tape too obsessively in my head and just be thankful that God was watching over my baby when no one else was, but I can't shake this feeling that we just narrowly escaped some out-of-control freight train. I feel... lingering dread. A mixture of fear and relief.

Now we know that we, as a family, need to keep better tabs on each other in the wee hours of the morning. And I am re-impressed with the heavy reality of this job of mine. I am responsible for watching over the physical, emotional, spiritual, and social well-being of these children. All three of them! At once! ALL THE TIME! Even when I am sleeping, apparently! And I'm reminded that this weighty task would be completely impossible for me if I didn't have a God who is bigger than me to lean on. A God who never sleeps nor slumbers.

I am also reminded that no matter how much I plan and strategize and convince myself that I am in control of things, I really am absolutely... NOT.

But mostly, I am reminded of the wise words of St. Therese of Lisieux that my friend Susanna ends all of her letters and emails with:

"EVERYTHING is grace."

I can only take my next breath because of grace. I can only change yet another poopy diaper because of grace. And I can only survive the madness of this season of life because of grace.

When I remember that powerful truth, suddenly every breath, every diaper, and every DAY (no matter how hard!) becomes a gift for which I am eternally grateful, and an opportunity to express my gratitude in humility and with gut-wrenching thanks upon my lips.

Reality check, indeed.

Thank you, God, even for todays like today.

Truman's Birth Story.

2011-03-24T16:46:00.009-05:00

Wednesday AM, I woke up and felt pretty normal. Except for the fact that I seemed to be... um... PEEING MYSELF every few minutes. haha. How interesting! It wasn't a whole lot, but every once in a while there would be "a small outpouring", if you will.

I went back and forth in my head about whether to mention this oddity to my husband. I envisioned the conversation going something like this:

Me: "Hi honey! Um, not much to report today, except that I maybe might be peeing my pants!"

Him: *UTTER SILENCE AND MORTIFICATION*

So, I decided to wait it out and see if the situation would remedy itself on its own.

I went to Barnes & Noble with Myer and chatted with some moms who were there with their kids and had a great time. I continued to debate whether I should mention my possible peeing plight to Chris, and finally called him on my way home and filled him in.

He told me to call my midwife, like a smart human being would.

Around noon, I called the office (and ended up talking to my friend Christi, who is a nurse there!) and she told me to come in due to the fact that I tested positive for Group B Strep. They wanted to check if it was amniotic fluid.

Chris left work to come be with Myer at the house so I could drive myself down to the midwive's office and get checked out. I kept telling him it was assuredly NOTHING and that I would be right back.

At 2:00 in the afternoon, I saw a midwife. I told her I was pretty sure my bladder had just kicked the bucket after all this baby-growing business. She checked me and swabbed me and immediately told me that it was amniotic fluid and I needed to go ahead and check in to the hospital next door and get ready to have my baby.

I was in COMPLETE shock. I think I said something eloquent like, "Wait, you said whaaaaa?!?"

Then things got hectic.

I had to go check-in at the hospital, but I had accidentally brought the keys to the car with me to the office (I had driven Chris' truck) so now Chris had no way to drive down to meet me. I would have to drive back home, even in my shaky, leaky state.

I envisioned what I would say if I got pulled over. Something along the lines of "Hi, officer! You may not believe me when I tell you this, but I'm apparently in labor!" Maybe he'd escort me, like in the movies, with his sirens blaring, and we could show up to the hospital in style.

No such luck.

Chris called his mom and asked her to pick up Ezra from school and then he ran Myer over to our neighbor's house until his mom could get back to our house and pick Myer up too. I got back home and Chris and I threw some last minute things in the car and drove back down to the hospital.

No contractions yet. Just waves of disbelief. With both of my previous labors, I had showed up to the hospital in pain and it was all a blur. This time, I was laughing and chatting with nurses and filling out paperwork and feeling silly for sitting in a hospital bed while I wasn't even in LABOR. It was such a different experience!!

By the time I got all checked in, it was probably 3:30 in the afternoon. I needed to get my antibiotic drip started (for the Group B Strep) and that took a good 5 hours when all was said and done, because they give you two rounds of it 4 hours apart.

This was a bit stressful because if my body didn't kick into gear before 9:00pm, they would have to start a pitocin drip. Once your water breaks (or starts leaking, apparently), they don't like to go more than 12 hours before they step in to get things going because of the risk of Group B Strep infection for your baby. I was trying not to be too anxious about all of this, and just kept praying that God would keep my mind focused on Him and His perfect timing.

During that time, my dear friend and neighbor and previous Bradley Instructor, Nikki, came to the hospital to be with us to help out during the delivery. Contractions were slight and irregular at this point. I was only 2cm dilated. I was trying everything I could to get my contractions going.

My water finally "broke" while I was getting my first round of antibiotics, but the contractions were still weak and far apart. I continued to pray that I could avoid the pitocin. I only had until 9:00pm before they were going to intervene.

The last antibiotic drip was done just before 9:00pm.

My midwife, Leanna, showed up then too to check me and see if my body had been progressing on its own at all.

She checked me and told me I was 4cm dilated.

I was disappointed in the lack of progress, but she said it was enough and that she was going to just let my body keep doing what it was doing- no pitocin necessary.

Hallelujah!

Right after that, my contractions started coming much stronger and much more regularly. They were still all very manageable though, and I was able to keep talking to Chris and Nikki and we were laughing and eating Snickers bars and snapping lots of iPhone pictures in true nerd fashion.

I walked around and sat on a birthing ball and squatted through the pain of the contractions.

Around 11:00pm, I had 3 or 4 suddenly INTENSE contractions, to where I was moaning and having trouble breathing calmly, and the contractions were lasting for 2 minutes at a time. Yikes. Leanna decided she needed to check me again.

She took one look and asked if I was ready to have my baby. It was all happening so rapidly, so quickly... I could barely move or breathe or grasp what was going on.

After another incredibly intense contraction, I felt a burning sensation, and suddenly the nurses and Leanna and Chris were all telling me that THE BABY'S HEAD WAS OUT.

I hadn't even pushed, and my baby's head was out?!?! My body had done all the work for me... had ejected this baby without so much as a conscious effort on my part.

I didn't believe them at first, but after one more contraction, my new baby was laying on my belly, hardly making a sound and looking right up into my eyes. He was so... peaceful! He didn't even cry. He was the perfect pink color and he was gazing up at me like he'd known me all his life. :)

We all exploded with joy and I was filled with such relief that the hard part was OVER. It took me a few seconds to realize that I didn't know if this baby was a girl or a boy, and after a moment I remembered to ask Chris what it was.

"It's another boy!", he beamed.

And just like I thought it would be, in that moment of elation and new life and release, that bit of information was like music to my ears. It felt right and good and awesome, and my heart was completely filled with love for my new SON. He was finally in my arms, and he was the most beautiful little newborn I had ever seen.

Truman Arthur.

If he had been a girl, he would have been Dagny Jane.

It was 11:15pm. Two hours after my contractions had really kicked into gear. Truman & I stared at each other in wonder for a few minutes until I brought him up higher into my arms and he latched on and started nursing right away like a champ.

******************************

Truman is a dream- sleeping so well and hardly making a sound. He NEVER cries. He's one of those babies that you forget is even there, and I have to keep reminding myself not to forget him when I leave the house. haha.

Once again, this birth has made me feel stronger and more confident and more empowered than I could have ever imagined. I went into this labor with a lot of trepidation. I didn't feel as prepared or excited about natural childbirth as I had been before I had Myer. Part of me felt like I had done the "natural thing" twice already, and maybe this time around I should just get numbed up and drugged up and get it over with as painlessly as possible. I had NO motivation. I had tried to watch labor videos and read natural birthing stories to psych myself up again, but I mostly just felt... tired. Weary. Unexcited about the coming birth. And I felt horrible about that.

And yet, I did it!!

I had amazing support set up around me at the hospital, I had educated myself about the truth and benefits of natural birth, about my choices and my voice in the matter, and then I let my body do just what it was created to do. Looking back now, of course, I am SO glad that I allowed myself to feel the pain and intensity of the process of labor again. There is no other experience in life that has made me feel more alive, more certain of who I am and what I can do and accomplish in this life that I've been given. There has been no other experience that has propelled me as strongly to acknowledge God's holiness and sovereignty in this world and in my very own body. It is simply awe-inspiring, and I am grateful that I was able to have that adventure with Him again- grateful to be brought to a place of such pain and weakness only be carried safely through it, and be strengthened down to my core by it all over again.

What a fearfully wonderful thing!!

Thank you God for little Truman! He's as sweet as a lolipop. :)

Baby Pool Winner!

2011-03-21T21:43:00.005-05:00

I've been meaning to announce the winner of the fantabulous baby pool guesses! Our winner this go round was MELISSA who guessed the following:

March 9th (yep.)
7.2 oz (Truman was 7.3 oz)
19.5 inches (Truman was 20.5 inches)
Boy (ding ding!)

Soooo, she was only one ounce and one inch off! WOW! That's some serious baby guessing accuracy.

Melissa, email me so I can get your prize to you! Congrats!

***********************

PS. I am working on Truman's birth story, and hope to post it in the next couple of days! Stay tuned! :)

Growing Pains.

2011-03-18T14:08:00.004-05:00

It didn't take long for Myer to figure out that when mommy is feeding the baby, she can't stop him from doing naughty things. My patience has been tried and tested, and has, in a few million instances, FAILED MISERABLY.

I spent the first couple of days home from the hospital feeling weighed down because I was having so many negative thoughts towards my two year old. My head sounded like this:

"Myer is such a brat! I can't even LOOK at him right now!!"

Followed closely by:

"What kind of a mother would feel these things towards her child?! You're already dropping the ball, maybe you really can't do this."

These thoughts played on repeat in my brain until I was a fragile, crumbly mess.

But then, I remembered some advice I had heard a long time ago about bringing a new baby home and having an older child (or children) act out.

YOU PUT THE BABY DOWN.

Yes.

You put the baby down as soon as your older kid's behavior has reached a point where you need to act, and you take care of the situation. You discipline. With the same firmness and resolve you would have if you didn't have a newborn in your arms.

Your baby will probably cry.

Oh well!

It's really not the end of the world.

You show your older children that they can not walk all over you, and then you go pick the baby back up again and continue nursing/soothing/smooching the wee one.

After I remembered that advice, I felt like my world turned right side up again. I felt like I had a PLAN, and that was all that I needed to feel like I could manage and survive all these boys at once.

Of course, my mommy is here for now and is helping a TON with Myer & Ezra, but I still feel okay, because I know that when she leaves and it's just me and these boys, I'll know how to react! Phew!

Truman is still sleeping all day and night and hardly making a peep. I keep forgetting he's here! I have to wake him up to feed him every three or four hours, otherwise he would be sleeping right through his feeding times. Crazy babe. He weighed seven pounds at his doctor's visit on Thursday, so he's only down three ounces from his birth weight, so I'm not too worried.

The boys are sweetness together, and Myer is getting better and better with Truman every day:

And these boys are pretty sweet too:

Yep. It's sweetness central up in here. I'm a VERY blessed (and extremely outnumbered) woman. :)

Transition.

2011-03-14T13:24:00.004-05:00

he is the sweetest little peanut in the world- sleeping, eating, and pooping his way right into our hearts. :) he hardly makes a sound, and when he does, it sounds like far away pigeons. except when he hiccups... then it sounds like there's a giant bullfrog loose somewhere in the house.

i feel great. like... surprisingly normal. we've been out and about a couple of times- truman in the sling sleeping right through each outing. it's amazing how much they sleep at first!

i keep calling truman "myer".

how am i supposed to keep all these boy names straight??? hehe.

the transition back home has been a bit more difficult this time around due to a certain little two year old:

do you see that look in his eyes? yeah... lord help us all. haha.

yet the transition has still been sweet and manageable due to a certain powerhouse husband:

i love having his babies. it always reminds me how much he adores me. how much he adores US. he has been taking care of EVERYTHING while I try and get back into the swing of nursing and resting and eating/drinking like a mad woman.

i just can't believe there are five of us now. the thought takes my breath away at random moments throughout the day.

it's an incredible thing.

A First Day of Life.

2011-03-10T15:15:00.007-06:00

laboring.

rejoicing.

introducing.

smooching.

counting.

listening.

brothering.

embracing.

He is amazing and thrilling and sweetly calming all at once.

I can't believe my arms get to be so full of such wonderful little men!

Introducing....

2011-03-10T08:41:00.002-06:00

truman arthur clark

"faithful and strong"

The most beautiful little newborn ever!!

Our little Truman was born at 11:15pm on Ash Wednesday, weighing 7lbs and 3oz!

My water started leaking Wednesday morning so I was admitted to the hospital that afternoon. At about 9pm, my contractions really kicked into gear and things went very quickly from there! We are all doing GREAT!

He is so very quiet and precious and we are doing a whole lot of swooning over little True!

Praise the Lord, He is GOOD!!! :)

More pictures to follow....

Boy or Girl, Boy or Girl, Boy or Girl.....

2011-03-09T22:32:00.003-06:00

Hey Friends!

Chris here.

Just wanted to let you all know......

yup.

Em is in labor.
She is my hero!
Such a champ.

We shall see if this little one can make it's debut on Ash Wednesday.

Cheers!!!

38 Weeks Pregnant!

2011-03-07T14:35:00.003-06:00

(Well, I guess I won't technically be 38 weeks until Wednesday, but who's counting?)

(---->ME. ME. ME. ME.<----)

I'm still here! No baby yet, and no signs that it is coming anytime soon. This is how my back feels about that:

har har.

But seriously, I do feel grateful for these last few days I have to get things together. There are still pictures to be hung on the walls! And giant old computers to move from the baby closet! And TOILETS to clean! You know... very important, life-altering events that MUST be seen to before this baby can possibly make its entrance into our home!

My mommy is flying out on the 15th of this month to be with me for a couple of weeks as I transition from being a mother of two to a mother of THREE, and I am so excited to see her I can hardly wait!! I just hope I have a baby for her to hold by then. She came out after Myer was born, too, and pretty much saved my life. I am so grateful for her willingness to put her life on hold so that she can come help me after I push out all these babies! haha.

Thank you to all of you who have entered our Baby Pool in the post below! It has been SO fun reading all the different responses and I find myself smiling as I read through your guesses... imagining what each scenario would be like... it has been so fun! I can't wait to see who wins!

I personally have been praying for the EXACT same stats as Mel guessed:

March 10th
6lbs 4oz (please please please)
19"
Girl!

Only time will tell! Squee! :)

37 Weeks Pregnant and a Baby Pool!

2011-03-03T19:05:00.003-06:00

I am now officially considered "full term" and in my 37th week of this pregnancy. Both the boys were born in the 38th week, so if this babe is anything like its brothers, it could be any day! (Please, Lord let this babe be like its brothers! heh.)

I am feeling a bit restless, but I am also keenly aware that this baby will come in the precise moment that he or she is meant to enter this world.

One of the things that makes birth wonderful is that it forces us to WAIT and release control while still actively expecting and longing for something... and every birth has taught me more about how I should also be longing for and waiting on God (just as ferverently as I am waiting to meet my new little love) in every single circumstance of my life.

There's something so beautiful in the waiting and releasing... something we don't get much of a chance to experience in today's "quick fix" culture. Sometimes it is just good to be forced to slow down and breathe and expect.

Anywho.........

I think what this all REALLY means is that it is time for the official BABY POOL to begin!!

The winner will receive... something. Yet to be determined.

But it will be cool! And maybe even awesome!

***************

Here are the facts:

--Ezra was born 10 days early weighing 6lbs & 4 oz. He was 20" long.

--Myer was born 12 days early weighing 8lbs & 1 oz. He was 21" long.

--This baby's due date is March 23rd.

***************

So, here is your mission, should you choose to accept it:

Leave me a comment with your best gut-guesstimate of what the DATE, WEIGHT, LENGTH, and GENDER of this baby will be. The person who gets the most of these things correct when all is said and done will be our winner! yay!

Gooooooood luck! And thanks for cheering me on in these last days and weeks... Your support has been so wonderful and it has helped me stay positive, so thank you thank you thank you all!!

Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock.

2011-02-28T20:33:00.006-06:00

Things that I may or may not have done in the last 72 hours:

1. UN-packed hospital bag, RE-folded contents, then RE-packed hospital bag. TWICE.

2. Used complex mathematical equations to convince myself (and my wide-eyed husband) that this baby is coming soon- wherein I factor that both Myer & Ezra came 12 days early, and my due date was bumped up to the 23rd of March rather than the 24th, and I was measuring four days ahead at my last appointment, and considering the earth's gravitational pull and the lunar quadrant to the fifteenth power, carry the one... this baby should be here in exactly seven days! Right??

3. Reminded myself that the baby could also just as likely be two weeks late.

4. Ate many, many cookies dipped in milk.

5. Walked up & down the hall of my house and felt a kinship with the wild animals on all those late night documentaries where the pregnant mama paces obsessively back and forth prior to giving birth.

6. Complained loudly to any and all who would listen of "much pain down yonder".

7. Ate more cookies dipped in milk.

8. Shifted nursery furniture around a few ~~hundred~~ more times.

9. Spent many sleepless nighttime hours imagining what that moment will be like when I finally hear the words "It's a _____!"

10. Obsessively attacked laundry in such a manner that I can now hear the sound of a t-shirt hitting the carpet anywhere in my house and then CAN NOT rest until that shirt is clean & folded and put away again- nary an hour after its being cast off.

11. Convinced my five year old son to continually pray that this baby would come soon, mostly because I feel like five-year-old prayers are probably, on some level, more potent than my own.

12. Repented of potentially wrong theological thoughts towards prayer.

13. COOKIES.

36 Weeks Pregnant.

2011-02-22T15:36:00.006-06:00

So... I thought this baby had dropped, but maybe it was just the way he or she was sitting that day because it doesn't feel nearly as low anymore. I've been in a lot less discomfort the last couple of days, which has been great!! I was getting a little worried there for a minute... It felt like this little one was just going to fall right out of me. haha. Gross.

I'm seeing my midwife every Thursday from now until the baby gets here. Part of me is secretly hoping that I will go into active labor while I am already there at the office and/or driving there, because it would save me a trip and pretty much guarantee that I will make it on time.

My last labor went so quickly, I fear this baby is going to be born on the highway... eeeeep! We are as prepared for something like that as we can be- Chris knows what to do and nature pretty much takes care of the rest- but I'd really rather not have this baby in my car... it being so clean and new-ish and all. haha.

I realized the other day I should probably freshen up on my 'Breastfeeding 101' skillz. It's amazing how quickly you forget all the ins and outs of something after you stop doing it all day every day. It really is the most natural thing in the world, but there is also a science to it and a determination that has to be there if you are going to be successful at it for any length of time, I think... like eating well and keeping your supply up and feeding for certain lengths on each side and knowing when you should or shouldn't use the pump and on and on and on... I feel like I just haven't been thinking about that whole portion of things very much this time around, and I feel less prepared right now than I was with the boys.

That has been the most challenging part of this pregnancy, I think because we haven't found out the gender... I have felt waaaaaay less prepared in every area- from clothes to nursery to carseats, but also it has bled over into the areas of getting ready for labor and delivery and breastfeeding and baby scheduling and perhaps even preparing myself spiritually/emotionally to become a mother for the third time.

It has also been a lot harder to keep the house feeling "clean & ready" with a crazy two year old running about the place, hitting each room like a little weapon of mass destruction all day long. hehe.

I am praying that these last weeks will be ones of peaceful preparation and growing excitement to meet this little one.

After all, I don't think I will look back on these final weeks and wish that I had spent more time cleaning or scrubbing, but that I had spent more time preparing my heart for this perfectly timed miracle that's on its way to join our family and our journey, you know? Becoming a mother again is ALWAYS an intense experience for a woman's heart, even if it is her third or fourth or sixteenth time around...

Braxton Hicks and Going Bonkers.

2011-02-19T20:00:00.010-06:00

(Photo by my Husband.)
I think it should be called "Determination".
Or... "Somebody Go Buy that Tiny White Boy a Belt".

I've been experiencing my first ever Braxton Hicks contractions and they are making me feel totally CRAZY. I've never had a contraction that wasn't part of actual labor, so these "fakey" contractions are messing with my head. I've been cleaning the house and packing my hospital bag and washing all the baby clothes and pacing the floors and getting everything ready because I feel like labor is eminent, when really I have a MONTH left to go until my due date.

I'm feeling super anxious, which is not like me at all. I am really trying to calm myself down and tell myself to breathe, but I feel like I am on edge ALL the time!! I wish I could just sleep the rest of this month away. This pregnancy has been SO different than my first two, it's wild!

Today, I woke up and my whole body looked strange when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. The baby seems to have ~~dropped~~ plunged, like, to SEA LEVEL, while I was sleeping, and now the pain and discomfort down low is so intense, I can't even imagine having to waddle around like this for another month. THREE people stopped me while I was out running errands today and asked if this baby was "on its way".

God, give me peace. And patience! And a fast forward button!

haha.

One thing that has really been helping with the discomfort are 'pelvic rocks'. That's where you get on your hands and knees and slowly arch and curve your lower back for about 10 or 15 minutes. It works like magic when I am feeling achy and sore. Also, Chris has been helping by giving me 'hip squeezes', where he firmly squeezes the top bones of my hips while I lean forward and relax. It helps open up my pelvis and alleviates a lot of pressure on my lower back. You preggo ladies out there should definitely try both of these exercises... they are amazing!

I FINALLY bought a little bitty girl coming-home outfit today. It's already washed and folded and in my hospital bag, along with an itty bitty boy outfit. I also picked up some nursing-friendly PJs for the hospital and everything else that I'll need for our stay there.

You see? I'm going bonkers over here.

I think I need to take up a new hobby or something. I need to find something to distract me from bouncing off of my walls. Maybe I'll delve into the world of bird watching or woodworking! Or perhaps I'll start painting country scenes on grains of rice!

For now, I am going to go work on my thumb twiddling. And pelvic rocks. And chocolate eating.

;)

The Flu & 35 Weeks Pregnant.

2011-02-16T12:50:00.008-06:00

Wowzers. What a whirlwind the past few days have been!

Two days ago, on Valentine's Day, I came down with the flu. Have any of you ever had the flu while you're eight and a half months pregnant? Let me just say this: I don't recommend it. It was pretty much the worst 48 hours ever. But I feel MUCH better today after a lot of resting and tylenol and fluids.

the hero.

My husband was a champion, of course, and stepped in to save the day- taking care of the kids and me all by himself while still managing to work and provide for our family. How does he do it all?? One thing I've learned from this is that there is no better way to feel loved by someone than by being taken care of by them like that. It made Valentine's super extra sweet this year.

(IN HINDSIGHT. haha.)

*****

On Saturday we had Ezra's 6th birthday party, which went great! I knew that I wanted to keep it really mellow because I am so very pregnant and did not need to be stressing over a crazy party. We invited a handful of friends over for cake and wii games, and I just put out some snacky foods for people to nibble on. Easy breezy lemon squeezy.

My friend Erin MADE this Obi Wan costume... so amazing!!!

It was really fun and Ezra had a blast! I had picked out all of these books from the dollar spot at Target for little gifts for Ezra's party guests, but then forgot to give them out as people were leaving. That's the third year in a row that I have completely forgotten to give out my goodie bags. haha I am a lost cause.

*****

Other than that, I have been starting to feel the panic creep in about getting everything really ready for the baby. It hit me the other day that I should probably buy some tiny diapers and some white onesies and have them on hand asap, because we are at the point now where this baby is coming much much sooner than later, and it will probably need something to wear and poop into. I also need to pack my hospital bag and we should probably get the car seat situated just in case too... ack! So, so crazy. I feel like I am forgetting something major this time around in getting everything ready. I need to go dig up some checklists or something, or else it's going to be the "goodie bag" scenario all over again, I just know it. hah.

I have an appt. tomorrow with my midwife, and then after that I start seeing her every week! I'm trying to get all pumped about the labor, like I was last time with Myer, but this time around I am more feeling like I just can't wait until that part is over and done with. I need some serious birthing motivation!! STAT! :)

34 Weeks Pregnant.

2011-02-08T13:54:00.010-06:00

The other day, when I found that amazing armoire for the nursery at the thrift store, my husband surprised me by also having this table delivered to my house along with it:

I had seen the table in the thrift store and remarked on how cool it was, so he sneak-attack bought it for me. I am completely smitten, and we have since discovered that we have quite the little gem on our hands-- an extremely valuable antique in excellent condition that is worth about ten times what we paid for it.

Not that it is going anywhere soon.

I'm too in love with it to part ways with it now.

I mean, the chairs are my favorite mustard yellow! It's like it was made just for me! :)

And then today I was wandering around in a thrift store and saw this amazing vintage cloth poster:

I knew it would be the perfect companion to our new table... so I snatched it up and raced home to introduce the two.

They are getting along famously, and I adore my new little kitchen nook! A lot of life happens right here, and now it feels so cozy and warm... which will come in handy the next few days as we are preparing for yet another download of city-paralyzing snow...

***

Since I knew the chances would be few and far between after today, I greedily snatched up some much needed time to myself this morning after I dropped off the boys and made a mad dash to the grocery store before it turned into a war zone later this afternoon.

It was lovely and so refreshing to just sit and read and journal without any pressing TO-DO's over my head.

Although, I guess the TO-DO's were still technically there... I just chose to ignore them for a bit. Ezra has his birthday party this Saturday, and I probably should have spent the day buying his gifts and getting things gathered for the party since the snow is coming and I only have ONE MORE free day this week (snow allowing, of course) to get out again without the monkey children, but I decided to put my sanity first today.

It was... fortifying.

Necessary.

In fact, that should be my new life motto: "Sanity first!"

It's a good principal to live by, methinks.

***

My sweet baby boy is getting so big these days. He is talking in full sentences ("Here you go, mama!", "I got it!", "Help me peese!", "Tank yoo, mama.") and he repeats almost every single word I say all day long. SUCH a different experience from when Ezra was this age. Ezra was hardly saying any words at THREE. (And oh, how I worried!)

Myer's little baby voice just about kills me with cuteness, and I am feeling more and more these days like having another little boy would be just grand. Little boys are so so precious... and it helps, too, now that we have found a boy name that we love!! Squee!

Not much longer to wait now... only 5 or 6 weeks to go!

Say whaaaaaa??!!?

Oh, Look! Snow Makes Me Snarky!

2011-02-04T15:51:00.006-06:00

I think I'll call this photo 'My Life in A Nuthouse. I mean, SHELL. Nutshell.'

The first two days that we were snowed in, I was all by my lonesome with my children. My hubby was far, far away in Minnesota. I feared the worst, but we actually did quite well. I feel like God gave me extra amounts of grace and energy to handle all the non-stop kid duties while being 8 months pregnant.

Then Thursday came. Chris was home safe and sound, and my body just completely shut down. I could NOT wake up in the morning and felt like I could have napped the whole day away. Also? I was moooooooody. This was an interesting and delicate dynamic, because my husband had just returned from a completely life-changing spiritual event, and I know he wanted to tell me all about it, but I had just gotten through days of soul-draining, snowed-in, sleepless-night KID patrol, and the last thing I had energy to do was dive into deep pools of rich spiritual theology.

He saw my desperation and patiently stepped in and handled the kids pretty much all that day for me, while I wallowed and recovered. And ate cookies.

And then today was declared ANOTHER SNOW DAY. But only for one of my children! Which is kind of like telling someone "There's good news and bad news! Here's a cookie! Now... give it back again."

haha.

Myer had a great day at school while Ezra and I bounced off the walls just like the last few days. The roads still were bad this morning because my city is completely and utterly unprepared for this phenomenon called SNOW, even though this exact same scenario seems to happen every! single! year! Right around winter time! Imagine that! Maybe it's easier to just declare a 'State of Emergency' than actually plan ahead and beef up your supply of snow plows? Looks that way to me.

{Look who's being snarky! It's me! SNARK ATTACK!}

I'm sorry. This is just what being trapped inside for 5 days by 5 little measly inches of snow does to me, I guess. I grew up at the foot of the Sierra Nevada mountains, where we would sometimes get multiple FEET of snow dumped upon our heads, and yet we were still able to function as a community! Now, that city was prepared! Like a Girl Scout! A Girl Scout whose money came from jenky casinos and shady slot machines rather than Thin Mints and Tagalongs!

Oh, geez. Here I go again.

*backing away from the keyboard now*

The Anatomy of a Snow Day.

2011-02-02T16:18:00.004-06:00

The Sky Is Falling! The Sky is Falling!

2011-02-01T13:26:00.007-06:00

So, I went to bed last night feeling all stressed out about the weather because everyone on the news was freaking out and making all these crazy claims like, "This is going to be the worst snow storm ever on record!" I tossed and I turned and I worried that I had forgotten something major, like turning on the faucets to drip or rolling up the windows on the cars.

And after all that stress, this is what I woke up to:

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

hahahahahahahha.

Now, the roads really were bad this AM, so I'm not saying I'm about to zip out and do a bunch of errands or anything (everything is closed anyways), but I just find it humorous that this amount of snow can freak an entire state out and shut an entire state down, when probably about 75% of the other states would call this a pretty mild weather event.

Oh well. I DO enjoy a good snow day. And they've already canceled school for tomorrow as well, so I'd better just cuddle up & make the most of it!

Today we've been playing a lot of video games and watching movies and building forts and reading books. Oh, and Legos of course!

This has never been one of my strong points- creatively entertaining my kids or organizing a whole bunch of activities when we're cooped up. We pretty much slump through these days, but I'm becoming more and more okay with that as time goes on. I'm realizing that it is not really my job to entertain these little humans 24/7, nor do I feel that it is ultimately in their best interest if I do so. I prefer to push them to be creative on their own, without a whole lot of hovering on my part, and see what they come up with on their own.

Myer has been playing with a pirate ship and some little cars for most of the day, and Ezra has been zooming around the house for hours with a mixture of Lego mini figures and a Lego spaceship he built. Cutie Patooties.

Speaking of cutie patooties, I miss this man:

(photo by my friend Ryan Gikas)

Chris has been growing out his beard since near the beginning of this pregnancy, and he plans to cut it after the baby is born. He says it's his way of sharing in the waiting (and growing) process, which I just think is so cool. At this point, he pretty much can't wait to shave it all off, just like I can't wait to have this baby.

Solidarity!

:)

Extremes.

2011-01-31T17:21:00.005-06:00

He thinks I can't see him. You know, because his eyes are closed.
Oh, the sweetness!

My husband is out of town in sunny (haha) Minnesota attending the Desiring God conference, and I am SO excited that he gets to be there. The weather is throwing a damper on things however, as we are currently staring down the barrel of a blizzard gun here in Oklahoma, which means my hubby may not be able to get home on Wednesday as planned.

Ruh-roh.

Here's what the weathermen are saying: Starting at 10PM tonight, snow and ice. Up to 12" when all is said and done. On top of that, there are going to be 30 MPH winds. Which equals TOTAL WHITEOUT. They are warning people not to leave their homes because they could become disoriented and lost even in their own neighborhoods. Zero visibility! On top of THAT there is a windchill of negative fifteen degrees.

This is all very winter-y and crazy, but I am not completely shocked because it is currently, you know, WINTER and whatnot... it's just that... it's just that... it was SEVENTY FIVE degrees here only seventy two hours ago! We were outside most of that day playing in the sun and I was sweating!

Bizzaro, I tell ya. Hopefully our power will stay on tomorrow. And hopefully my hubby can get home as planned. This single storm is affecting 20 states! That sounds like a recipe for an airport disaster to me.

To prepare, I will be making a big pile of games and blankets in the living room tonight, with lots of flashlights and snacks handy just in case. I really do love hunkering down on crazy snow days... but it would be much more fun if Chris were here to hunker down with us too. And also if I had a big bottle of wine.

And the ability to drink it.

haha.

Apples & Owls.

2011-01-30T19:53:00.008-06:00

the beginnings of our gender neutral nursery....
Thanks to all of your input, the armoire was purchased and brought home! I am SO excited that we got it... it's the most amazing piece of furniture ever!! Chris already sanded parts of it down and re-finished it and built a new magnetic latch for the door. We're going to put some shelves in the tall side eventually- and all of baby's clothes and blankets and burp cloths will have a place to live now! Yipee!!

I don't know if I've mentioned it, but the nesting instinct has hit me like a freight train already. It seems so early! Maybe it's the fact that we already have pretty much everything we need at our disposal, so it has been much less daunting. It's more like 'rearranging' this time than revamping an entire room.

SO nice.

All of the owl stuff is still up and around from when this room was Myer's nursery, but I will probably change some of it out once we get closer to having the baby, or maybe after the baby is born. I'm thinking that if it's a girl, it would be fun to incorporate a sweet apple motif into the room. (Although, I guess that could possibly work for a boy too?) I think an apple themed nursery has some serious CUTE potential. Besides, I've been craving apples during this entire pregnancy, AND I have very fond memories of this toy from when I was little:

The Fisher Price 1972 Happy Apple chime toy! Do any of you remember this from growing up? Or am I dating myself? Actually, it was my oldest brother Jared's toy. I wasn't even BORN until nineteen-eighty-mumble...

Anywho, as I was getting the crib all situated today, it really hit me. We're having another baby! The moment that brought this reality home to me was when I was moving the crib mattress from the lowest setting back up to the highest setting again. I don't know why, but it's like it all suddenly sunk in, and I felt so happy!

And then, today at church, there was a moment during worship when I sat down (due to GIRTH issues, you understand) and I rested my hand on my belly and instantly heard a voice in my mind saying, "I am so excited about this child!" And I just knew that it was God speaking to me about this baby and I felt completely overwhelmed with His love. It was one of the sweetest 'God moments' of my life, and all it took was a single sentence! God has this amazing way of knowing exactly what we need to hear, doesn't He?

I'll never forget it.

Payment Upon Death.

2011-01-28T12:23:00.010-06:00

So, I wandered by this at the thrift store near my house today, and I am thinking that the baby's room might NEED it. We don't really have a dresser for the nursery at this point in time, although we could probably make do with the closet space we have or use an older bookshelf that we have with canvas totes for drawers, but REALLY.

I'm having a hard time passing this up. It's YELLOW! And dark brown! And AMAZING! And cheap! And gender neutral! And vintage! And after the baby has used it for a while, Chris and I could steal it and use it in our room! (Because it's too pretty to be used by a reckless, marker-wielding toddler, of course!) And... and... when I die you can bury me in it! Thus saving us money in the (very very) long run! See how I did that there? Buying this armoire is really like buying a big fat COUPON!

This is me verbally ~~processing~~ justifying all over you guys... One of the many benefits of being a reader of my blog. hahaha.

The Return of the Ring.

2011-01-27T12:49:00.004-06:00

My husband took my wedding ring in to get fixed before Christmas and he just went and picked it back up a couple of days ago. It has been exactly one year since the stone fell out into my hand and I had to slide this ring off of my finger until we could get it worked on. Now, it is cleaner and more sparkly than I have EVER seen it before... it looks brand new even though it has been around since the 1920's!

I could not love this ring more if I tried. And to think, I lost it down a nasty sink drain at the restaurant I was working at in California not even A WEEK after I had been married! hahaha.

Oh, me.

I'm so grateful that it was rescued back then, and that I didn't lose the stone when it fell out this time around. What a miracle!! I want to keep this ring (and the promises wrapped up inside of it) forever and ever and ever.

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, honey! I feel whole again!

:)

Mellow Yellow.

2011-01-25T19:12:00.010-06:00

I got a new duvet cover with some of my Christmas money! Hooray! I ordered it from Target's website a couple of weeks ago and have been anxiously awaiting its arrival ever since. :)

I have been on a huge yellow kick lately, and this is the prettiest perfect shade of just-right-yellow that I love so much.

Here are some other little bits of yellow in my house that I adore:

I especially love this shade of yellow paired with dark brown or gray. Maybe I should get my painting contractor of a hubby to paint the nursery walls this yummy shade of yellow for me?

Hmmmmm...

****

Today I had all these plans to go grocery shopping and run some other errands, but instead I woke up feeling like I got run over by a semi truck while I was sleeping. I am so tired and my body hurts everywhere! I don't think I'm getting sick, I think I am just starting to approach the UNCOMFORTABLE part of this pregnancy- where my bones and muscles are like, "Huh?!" and "Say whaa?!" and "Oh no you di'nt!"

I think I'll have to alter my agenda. All I feel up for now is crawling back into my (cute) bed and sleeping the afternoon away!

(Toddler-willing, of course.)

;)

Death by Strawberry Hat.

2011-01-21T19:18:00.010-06:00

I was wandering around in Babies R Us again the other day... not because I particularly needed anything or had anything on the agenda, but just because, I don't know... it's where pregnant people are supposed to go?

Like, when you are injured, you go to the hospital.

And when you are pregnant, you go to Babies R Us.

(It's a primal instinct. Like holding your breath under water.)

Every time I've gone there recently, I don't end up buying anything, I mostly just wander around in the double wide isles and marvel at human society and the fact that there is a warehouse-sized store like this in every city in America that has somehow convinced all of us parents-to-be that we NEED this crap when in reality, we just need a few blankets, some tiny clothes & diapers, and, I suppose, a car seat so you can go places without getting arrested. The rest of that stuff is all FLUFF.

(Fluff that sells itself mostly by preying on our fears.)

(But perhaps that is another rant for another time?)

Anywho, with every pregnancy there has been ONE baby item that I have obsessed over for some reason. I latch onto this one item and research it until I am an expert on all forms and variations of it, and I know who carries it and who doesn't and who sells it for $1.00 cheaper and why option A is better than option B or C.

With Ezra, it was the crib bedding. (We went with airplanes.)
With Myer, it was the ring sling. (I fell in love with the Maya Wrap.)
With this baby, it has recently been the baby's coming home outfit.

Do I buy something practical and neutral so a boy OR a girl could wear it? Or do I go crazy and buy a tiny little boy outfit AND a tiny little girl outfit and bring them both to the hospital?

A normal person would just buy one of each and then forget about it. But not me, no siree! I am concerned about the psychological effects that buying a little girl outfit might have upon me if I don't end up getting to USE it.

A normal person would say "Just give away the outfit that you don't end up using!" But not me, no siree! I fret about the mental implications and distress that could occur if I have another boy and then give away the girly outfit and then see a friend's little girl wearing it, causing me to mourn a little on the inside for the girl I didn't have and then feel guilty about said mourning when I should be rejoicing over a friend's new baby girl!

Someone needs to just come slap me. I am wearing a hole in my brain.

All of this is just to say, as I was wandering around in Babies R Us the other day, I came upon this little number:

The strawberry cuteness juuuust about did me in. No, really! I think I almost died. I'm pretty sure that my pulse slowed way down and I saw a bright light.

I didn't buy it, of course, because I had to come home and obsessively obsess about the purchase before I could ever allow myself to bring something pink home with me.

But now I'm thinking that I should just go back and get it. Or at least allow myself to buy SOMETHING girly, just in case? It's like, just live a little, Emery!

Right?

Plus, you never know... maybe allowing myself to buy something pink would flush some of this crazy out of my system!

*cough*notlikely*cough*cough*

The Possibility of Last Pregnancies.

2011-01-19T07:30:00.008-06:00

It seems that every pregnancy has been a bit more uncomfortable than the one before it, and this time around the pain has manifested itself mostly in my tailbone (read: BUTT) and my lower back. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being pregnant, but each time has been harder on my body than the time before.

It's a little bit like 'how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop'? And my answer is... three? Maybe? Third time's a charm? I remember when I was pregnant with Myer, I KNEW that it wasn't my last pregnancy. It just didn't feel like the last time. At all. But this time around, the thought of this being the last is much more... comfortable.

The thought of, "Awww, this may be the last time I feel a little alien kicking around on the inside of me!" makes me feel a little bit more on the EXCITED side than the depressed side this go around. haha.

All that being said, I still feel a leeeeetle bit sad that this pregnancy is already flying by so quickly. I absolutely love being pregnant. I love the sweet connection you can have with other mothers who you don't even know... the knowing glance and smile from a woman in the grocery store. And I absolutely LOVE it when people touch/rub my belly. I don't even have to know you, there is just something magnetic about a big round baby bump, I think, and I love it when people feel comfortable enough to just reach out and connect with the life growing inside of me.

I have never understood why so many women FREAK OUT about the fact that someone touched their belly. I'm not even a very touchy-feely person, but I just love the way that pregnancy can break down all the "social status-quos" and allow people to be excited and celebrate for a moment together even though they may not know each other very well. Or at all! New life has this glorious way of drawing us together, and that is one of my absolute favorite things about being pregnant.

This is also why I was hoping that, just ONCE, I would be able to be pregnant in a season that wasn't the dead of winter. But it never worked out that way, and, I think, about 80% of the time, when I'm out and about or wherever, people STILL don't even know that I am pregnant... because I have to completely smother myself in a gigantic coat to combat the freezing air. I've even had people I KNOW at church (like, last week) look at me and say "I didn't even know you were expecting!"

I blame the monster coat.

I would have loved to experience pregnancy in the Spring or even Summer- when skirts and dresses and flip-flops are (comfy) options for a growing belly. (Remember my 'I'm pregnant and HATE PANTS' post? STILL VERY MUCH APPLIES.)

Anywho, I guess I am just feeling like this might be it, which makes part of me do the happy dance (my tailbone [read: butt] and lower back parts mostly) while the other parts of me just want to sit and stare out a window and contemplate what that means as this season of my life comes to a close. Hahaha... what a mental picture I've just painted for you. Me, sitting in a chair, happy dancing AND being deeply contemplative. That's looney bin behavior!

Of course, I have no idea what God has in store for my family and all of this 'feeling like this is the last pregnancy' could change in the future, if He so chooses to change it, but for now, this is where I'm at:

Happy and a wee bit sad, still wishing that I didn't have to wear pants.

:)

31 Weeks.

2011-01-17T09:38:00.006-06:00

I'm just shy of 31 weeks, which means that there are only about 9 weeks left until this baby makes its appearance.

Both the boys came early, though, so it may be even less than that!

Either way, SINGLE DIGITS, people! I should probably start thinking about getting things ready, eh? Aaaand I should probably move into a hotel that is right next to the hospital since my last labor was only about 2.5 hours from the first consistent contractions to the time Myer was born.

Yikes.

We pretty much have everything we need for this baby, except for a couple of random things that I sold after Myer was born. (Brilliant, Emery!) The tricky part is going to be if this baby is a GIRL. I will have nothing to dress her in! She will have to wear hand-me-down white onesies until she is sixteen, at least. haha.

This time around, instead of having a traditional baby shower/registry again, I think I am going to do a 'Sip & See'. Have you heard of this idea? My friend Aimee told me about it. A 'Sip & See' is something you do after the baby is born... you invite your friends to swing by (open house style) and see/hold the baby and you have refreshments and light snacks out for everyone to nibble on. It's very low key, and that way, if people want to get the baby something, they will know whether to buy it in PINK or BLUE! :)

I think it will be lovely.

Speaking of pink or blue, the strangest thing has been happening lately. I thought it would get easier, the not knowing the gender, as the pregnancy went on, but the reverse seems to be true... The suspense is killing me much more now than it was at the 20 week ultrasound (when we could have found out)!!

I'm sure it's just all the building anticipation and the fact that it is so close (yet so far away) feeling. I'm just so excited for that moment... that second in time when I will know if I am the mother to three boys or to two boys and a girl! It's going to be the best surprise EVER!!!!

Lastly, I have been having gnarly allergies all of the sudden even though it is THE DEAD OF WINTER and I just want to say again that sneezing and pregnancy are NOT compatible in any way, shape, or form. (If you're not sure what I am talking about right now, thank the good Lord above and do your kegels. Amen.)

Myer's Pajama Pancake Party!

2011-01-15T19:36:00.007-06:00

We had Myer's birthday party at 9:30AM this morning and it was awesome!

I wanted to keep it really laid back and simple, seeing as how he's TWO and all. Why stress myself out too much about something he won't even remember, right?

RIGHT.

I made up some invites in Photoshop and emailed them to my neighbors and my in-laws:

The only things on the agenda were:
-Stay in PJs.
-Cook pancakes & bacon for everyone.
-Open gifts
-Hang out

And, you guys, it was such a BLAST! The kids played, we chatted, and Myer got to feel special and celebrated!

I highly recommend doing early Saturday morning birthday parties. The kids were well-rested and didn't even have to change out of their Pjs... the adults sipped on coffee and ate yummy breakfast... and it was all wrapped up by 11:30, so it didn't take up everyone's whole Saturday!

Wonderful wonderment, I tell ya. Here's a few photos from the shebang:

chris cooked up the yummiest breakfast... while looking quite yummy himself. heh.

myer deeply contemplated the elusiveness of time as he monched his pancake.

then he stared out the window and mentally paid tribute to the days gone by.

then he looked at us all like he was worried for our sanity as we sang him 'happy birthday'.

the syrup flowed like wine.

ezra pretended to be a unicorn and then speared me in the temple. ow.

justin won the award for best pajama presentation.

myer finally figured out that opening presents is FUN rather than a form of torture! (Christmas was interesting.)

myer got a baby sized electric blue piano from MoMar & DooDad!
(Soon you'll all be saying, "Mozart who??")

What fun! Happy Birthday again to my little moose!

Swimming Beauty.

2011-01-14T08:20:00.005-06:00

Let's all pretend that it isn't freezing degrees outside right now and take a gander at the swimsuits from Anthropologie, shall we? (I'll take one of each, please.)

I can't believe I am about to say this, but all these darling swimsuits make me actually kindof maybe wish it was warm outside and I lived by the stinky, seaweed filled ocean again. If I looked this cute, I might actually forget all about the sand mites that were biting at my ankles and legs as I reclined on a towel in the sun and baked my skin into a tough, dark hide!

It might all be worth it then!

hahahaha.

Getting My Two Year Old to Stay in Bed at Night.

2011-01-13T10:40:00.008-06:00

The suspect, after his latest asthma flare-up. Poor little bean!

Myer has been coming into our room at all hours of the night demanding to sleep in our bed- like a wretchy troll who has us wrapped around his finger and whatnot- so I decided it was time to put the foot down. I'm all for early AM snuggles every now and again, but if I wanted to share my bed with a thrashing loud-breather all night long every single night, I would have just bought a dog, you know?

Sooo. One night last week I'd had enough. I put the foot down. That night, I had to keep putting him back in his bed one million times between the hours of 2:00 and 5:00AM. Oh! And during that whole process Myer decided to spice things up by screaming "Mamma! Mamma! Mamma! Mamma! Mamma!" over and over and over and over again for three straight hours until I thought that maybe I was just trapped in a really bad nightmare instead of being awake and perched outside his door in the bleary, cotton-mouthed hours of the morning.

He fell asleep at 5:00AM and then woke up, ready for the day at 6! What a sweetie pie.

Anywho, there were really only two nights of that, but now he is sleeping much better in his own bed since I made it pretty clear that if he wanders into our room in the middle of the night saying "Mamma? Mamma?" he will not find his sweet mom there in that bed, but a glowering banshee instead! With crazy hair and angry eyes!

But this little toot, he is a clever one, so what he has been doing the last couple of nights is army crawling... no, really, ARMY CRAWLING on his elbows (so that I don't see his head over the line of the bed) into our bedroom and curling up beside Chris' side of the bed- right on top of the pile of dirty painting contractor clothes that he throws there before falling into bed, exhausted, each night. (We're working on this latest development now... I'm thinking I'll just replace the pile of clothes with a pile of... oh, I don't know... gardening tools? Try to sleep on THAT, Myer! mwa ha ha!)

I probably wouldn't even notice this latest sneaky ninja-style covert 'Infiltrate Mommy's Room' Op except for the previously mentioned loud-breathing and thrashing that accompanies his sleep at all times. And also, his 'jingle blocks'- which are his comfort objects that have little jingle bells in them- causing me to be able to hear exactly where he is and what he is doing at all times in the wee hours of the morning. (A blessing and a curse.)

Here's a before and after of the jingle block situation, by the way:

Before: So crisp and clean and complete!

Now: So... lumpy!

This is what happens to cute stuffed blocks after they have been carried and dropped and slimed on and fondled all night long for two whole years. Only one of the jingle bells still work. (We had three blocks still until a couple of weeks ago, when the 'E' went mysteriously missing into the depths of the one of the church's nursery rooms.)

(I was slightly relieved when that happened, though, because now we only have TWO blocks, which coincide nicely with the fact that he has TWO hands and now it's not so much like a juggling act every time he wants to transport the things anywhere.)

(Also, I contemplated replacing the missing jingle bell in the other block, but then I realized that it would only make things LOUDER in the middle of the night, duh, and so I decided against it.)

(THAT was a close one.)

I guess that all of this parenthetical rambling is just my way of saying that I am SO glad things are improving in the night time arena, since we have a squirmy newborn on the way who will sleep for no longer than 2 hour stretches at a time every night and will... shall I say... only complicate this mess a wee bit further?

I am always amazed, when it comes to stuff like this, how kids actually DO respond to consistency and firmness, and I always wonder why I didn't just do it sooner. It's hard to put the foot down sometimes, but when you know it is for the health and benefit of your kids and your MARRIAGE and your sleep and your sanity, it's the only way to go! I think sometimes I just forget that, hey! I WEAR THE PANTS AROUND HERE and YOU LITTLE PEOPLE AREN'T THE BOSSES OF ME! (So neener-neener!)

It's good to remember that every now and again. I am here to shape them and train them in healthy ways, not make their lives peachy-keen and rainbow fluffy 24-7. We'll all be much happier in the long run if I can just hold my ground on some things- even if it's so much easier to give in in the moment.

(End note: Is parenthetical even a word? It sounds like some magic spell or made-up animal from Harry Potter. Or something.)

Seven Hundred and Thirty Days.

2011-01-12T09:33:00.008-06:00

Once upon a time, there was a mamma. A mamma whose heart was a little bit broken and whose life felt a little too snug.

She stretched and fought against the role of motherhood that sometimes felt like it was ruthlessly stomping out the rest of her.

her, then.

After a long struggle, God rescued her from feeling like she was never enough... from feeling like raising her child wasn't a high enough calling in and of itself. He came and showed her that this season was handcrafted for her growth and well-being, and the growth and well-being of her family, and that it was MORE than enough.

That it was, in fact, the most IMPORTANT thing in the world.

That revelation was infinity times stronger than any anti-depressant that could be prescribed for her.

And this mamma, after being rescued from that unrelenting despair, felt her heart expand so much that it suddenly felt... quite roomy. Life no longer felt too snug or tight, it now felt broad and wide and sweeping! She found deep in her gut a strange new longing- a longing for new life.

Seven hundred and thirty days ago, that life arrived, and we named him Myer Elliot- "A Bringer of Light to the Lord our God".

him, then.

And for seven hundred and thirty days, that is exactly what Myer Elliot has been for me. He has lit up the face of God for me- so that I can see Him more clearly than I ever have before. He is a daily reminder and remembrance of what God has done in my heart... running up and down the halls squealing with delight, a banner proclaiming my rescue and freedom from despair.

What joy & laughter he has brought to our house! To his brother, to his father, to our parents and families! He is a huge blessing in our lives, and I know he is destined for amazing things.

him, now!

So... to my sweet, lighthearted boy of TWO:

Happy happy happy Birthday!
You make life bright!

This Post Went Downhill Quickly... Right Into a Brick Wall.

2011-01-06T13:34:00.005-06:00

It's baffling to think that when we moved to Oklahoma, Ezra was only 6 months old. He couldn't crawl. He couldn't roll over. He was a blob. Now, in just four weeks, he will be six YEARS old. And Myer turns two in 9 days. And this third baby will be here in only ten-ish weeks.

Random Questions:

Where is the time going?

Where are all these babies coming from? (Wait, don't answer that one.)

Can you tell that I trimmed my hair? It was becoming quite poofy.

How is it possible that I have a six year old child? That makes me feel old.

You know what else makes me feel old? My new iPhone case. See it there in the picture? My aforementioned six year old son has NO IDEA what it is. And THAT makes me feel... timeworn. Ancient. Decrepit.

I remember when cassette tapes were as good as it got. Technology at its finest! Look how those things spin and the music plays like magic!

Now, cassette tapes are being replicated into silicone in order to protect crazy mini computer/camera/phone/GPS/Internet/Music/Gaming gadget thingy-ma-bobs.

And also? I swam upstream both ways to school everyday when I was your age.

In the snow.

Blank.

2011-01-01T21:37:00.005-06:00

Unrelated tidbit: Third Trimester, you all! Woot woot!!

I've been feeling quite shy towards the 'Blogger' tab up there on my little menu bar for quite some time now... feeling as blank as this 'New Post' box, in fact, so of course I have not felt any urge to fill it with dribble or force out content on you all in the name of "just because". (sidenote: Yuck. Forced and obligated "content" is like nails on a chalkboard to me. *shiver gag*) I can't tell if this quietness is a result of some sort of preparation for what's ahead, or if it is something quite different: a stagnancy that is inevitable when the fresh water source is cut off.

(I'm leaning towards the latter theory, truth be told.)

God help me, I have been feeling so SO very blah towards Him lately. A loooong lately. An 'Ever Since I Found Out I Was Pregnant Again' lately.

What's that all about?? I don't know. These fogs sometimes come but always they go... yet this one I just can't seem to shake. Or perhaps I should say I just can't even muster up the desire to TRY and shake this one. I am not sad. I am not depressed. I am really happy and rightfully so- my family is amazing and life is great! It's just God that is suddenly... gone-feeling. And to say that is unsettling would be a huge understatement.

It's like I've been having to REMIND myself that there's even a void there, whereas in the past, when I was distancing myself from God, I felt it every inch of the way.

I stopped reading my Bible, even though I had a massive support system behind me in the journey. My prayers have been more like random sputters from an engine that knows it's done 'fer. And my thoughts towards Him have been few. Far between. And, perhaps worst of all, small.

All I can think to say is, God help me. Sputter. Sputter. God help me. Sputter. Cough. God help me.

Sometimes three word prayers are the best ones though, no? I hope so. It really is about all I've got right now.

I don't have any sort of epiphany to stick on the end of this post like a big red bow, I just have the faith that God honors honesty and realness more than falsehood or secrecy. I'm sure some of you have been feeling this way lately too, or have felt this way in the not-so-distant past, and I believe that talking about it is at least a step in the right direction, because, hey! We're all in this together... to help and be helped.

I feel a bit lighter already just by getting these words out... like somewhere way down deep the water might be starting to stir and move again. God help me.